Tuesday, January 31, 2017

I WENT TO SCHOOL TO LEARN HOW TO COOK FRENCH CUISINE

I went to school to learn how to cook french cuisine. They said, "Put a whole lotta le butter on things". I put a tab of butter on a crystal plate and served it to the visiting Emir of somewhere and I was pronounced the greatest French chef in history. There was outrage that a foreigner should be awarded such a title. The populace burned cars in the street and then cried in their boudoirs for several days as they questioned their national identity. It was decided that I must have been a Frenchman all along. They put a stripey shirt on me and handed me a baguette and held me aloft in the city square. I didn't know how to talk french and I didn't want to spoil the whole thing they had going on so I just pursed my lips in a haughty, imperious manner and looked down upon the populace. They were beautiful.

Monday, January 30, 2017

A HANDSOME COWBOY LEANED AGAINST THE RAILING

A handsome cowboy leaned against the railing and reeled off his flirty cowboy game. I sat perched up on the same railing and twisted my legs around it and gave him the eyes that said I was interested but i'd like to hear some more. He was covered in red dust and I couldn't make out his smell too good amongst the horses, but I liked his chin and his eyebrows and his voice and I was feeling that carefree vacation feeling all into the ends of my toes in my cowboy boots. I reached down and fingered my spurs as I smiled wryly at him. He kept on a talking that talk and I could have listened for a good while.

Friday, January 27, 2017

LOGS ROLLED OFF THE BACK OF THE LOGGING TRUCK

Logs rolled off the back of the logging truck and bounced on the road and crashed through my windshield. I swerved but kept driving and soon found that a log in my front seat was a wonderful companion. So woody and stoic. The log lived up to the fantasies i'd had of a man that had never been realized in these fleshy humans i'd picked up, no matter how tough and stiff and silent they'd been, none was more a MAN this this log. I stroked it's bark. It didn't react at all. I quivered.

Monday, January 23, 2017

I WALKED THROUGH A GARDEN OF TELEPHONES

I walked through a garden of telephones. Telephones of all colours sprouting from plants, all ringing softly. I picked up a pink telephone and listened in. "Howard, I won't be a fool over this donkey affair...". I hung up the phone. I ambled through the garden some more, twisting the hairs on my chest in my fingers. Eventually I thought i'd try another phone, so I picked up a baby blue number. "Darling, I'm covered in ants and I couldn't be happier. Won't you join me and roll around in this anthill and be free?" I considered it.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

A DEER AMBLED THROUGH THE SNOW

A deer ambled through the snow, and on it's journey snow piled up on it's snout and it's head and on it's back until there was so much snow it seemed to be a new mountain. Geologists spied it with their telescopes and reported findings and the geology scene was abuzz with this new mountain that seemed to be moving and papers were published and there was a spuriously put together special on the geology channel. And then the deer got to it's destination and shook off the snow and the mountain came tumbling down and the tears of geologists flooded the city and many collections of magazines were waterlogged and ruined.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

THERE ARE SPEAKERS ALL AROUND

There are speakers all around so I will build a house made out of speakers. The chunkiest speakers will be the walls and some of the lighter speakers will be the widows and I will pull their insides out and use the mesh part as a blind that I will pull up when I want to let the sun shine in and the roof will be made of thatched together tiny computer speakers and I will sit in the house on a couch made of speakers and listen to my records on the one pair of speakers that is actually being used as a pair of speakers and will rest my eggs and coffee on a coffee table that is actually a speaker and I will be as happy as Larry if Larry was a man who lived in a house made of speakers.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

THE BOOTH WAS SO HAPPY TO BE SAVED THAT IT LEAPT INTO THE AIR AND DID A TWIST

The booth was so happy to be saved that it leapt into the air and did a twist. The people inside were thrown around and some of the chemicals spilled out and one of it's feet broke off, but everybody was so overjoyed at the saving of the booth that these trifles were soon gone with the wind. The people got out and took the booth arm in arm on either side and suddenly big band jazz music was playing and the three of them began sauntering doing the street in a Bob Fosse walk, kicking their heels and snapping their fingers and singing with pure joie de vivre. A line formed behind them and soon the whole city was Fosse walking down Flinders st with party hats on and glitter was falling from the sky and everybody kissed somebody and smiled with their eyes.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

A PAIR OF PANTS WOKE UP ON THE TRAIN TRACKS

A pair of pants woke up on the train tracks with no legs in them. It could hear a train hooting and scrambled off into the bushes as it thundered by. Oh god. It's stitches hurt and it's button was stinging and it had weird stains all over it and it had no idea where it's pair of legs had gotten to. The embarrassment. The shame. It couldn't contemplate being a pair of abandoned pants left on the street. If it was out too long it would officially be deemed grotty pants on the street and nobody would slide their legs in ever again. The pants had to formulate a plan fast. If it couldn't find it's familiar pair of legs it had to get in a position to be picked and worn by a new human, and soon. Perhaps it could sneak into a pile of dirty laundry?

Monday, January 9, 2017

BURNING PIRATE SHIPS CRASHED INTO MY HOUSE

Burning pirate ships crashed into my house and my house was all a sudden in flames and filled with flaming pirates who had great earrings but bad manners and ate all my cereal and poked holes in my toothpaste with their cutlasses and left every surface they sat on with a greasy sheen and I was getting a little shirty about it all but I figured what the hell, the house is gonna be burnt to the ground soon enough so I might as well just enjoy the pirate party. I put on an eyepatch and grabbed a bottle of rum and started pillaging myself.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

THE BRIDGE WAS SHAKY

The bridge was shaky and I could feel it would collapse under my weight so I decided to end the tension and leap directly into the river filled with snapping crocodiles. I had the good fortune of landing directly in a crocodiles mouth while it was all the way open. I went straight down the throat and into the stomach, did a one-eighty and pushed my arms and legs into the crocodiles arms and legs, so I was wearing a crocodile costume with my face poking out of the mouth. I very gingerly walked along the bottom of the river toward the bank, hoping none of the other crocodiles had been watching. Some of them looked over and thought that that was a funny way to be moving, but Jerry had never been quite right.

Monday, January 2, 2017

I TOOK MY BRAIN OUT AND SLICED IT INTO SLICES

I took my brain out and sliced it into slices approximately 2.5cm wide. I buttered the slices on both sides and put them on the barbecue at a low temperature. I turned the slices after 5 mins and let them cook for another 5 mins. They I took them off the barbecue and lest them rest for a further five minutes. I basted them in Japanese rice wine vinegar and sprinkled diced shallots on top. Then I reassembled the pieces into their original brain order, put two skewers in to hold them together, and sealed them back in my skull. Whether this process has helped matters is yet to be determined.