Wednesday, October 18, 2017

A WHITE CAT HOPS ONTO THE DINNER TABLE

A white cat hops onto the dinner table. The dinner guests watch in astonishment as this tiny thing swallows a whole roast chicken, a plate of a parsnips, a pumpkin pie, a head of lettuce, a bottle of aperol, a bottle of champagne, a bottle of cognac, a pheasant, a tray of pate, a trunk full of jelly, a washing basket of strawberries, a machine machine of lemon zest, a house full of egg white, and steps off the other end of the table with no sense of indigestion. Perhaps science could reveal the secrets of this cat's marvelous digestion, but nobody's cutting into this white cat, not a chance.

Monday, October 2, 2017

FLOWERS FALL FROM THE TREE

Flowers fall from the tree to coat the path in white and pink. The whole city soon is covered in white and pink petals and they are constantly falling. It is a blizzard of soft white and pink petals. One pushes through and occasionally comes upon a shimmering, moving shape in the petal cloud. Another person, or perhaps a cat. Everyone and everything is covered in petals so it is hard to distinguish, but one can still fell the pulse of another living thing close by. It is a muted world, but far more pleasant than the grey alternative of smog and acid rain.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

I PICKED A GOLDEN DAFFODIL

I picked a golden daffodil from the ground. I couldn't snap the stem because it was gold, but pulled it out by it's golden roots. I figured Midas must have skipped through here years ago on that ill fated day and brushed past this daffodil. At the hock shop, the scumbag behind the counter looked sceptical about my theory. "An original Midas touched daffodil? I don't know. I could give you 50 bucks."

Monday, September 11, 2017

THE CAT BEGAN TO BITE IT'S FOOT OFF

The cat began to bite it's foot off and couldn't stop. It swallowed it's leg and up onto its torso and soon it had eaten itself completely and disappeared into thin air. Yet it could feel itself there spiritually. It floated over to it's food dish and attempted to cry, but with no throat and no tongue, it emitted no sound. And it computed that with with no teeth and no tongue and no mouth it wouldn't be able to eat anyway. The cat thought about this. If eating and being petted were no longer an option, perhaps now was the time to enrol in that transcendental meditation course at the community centre.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

CRUMPLED PAPER

Crumpled paper in the bottom of my bag. I unfold it and it appears to be a treasure map that leads to a pot of cancer cures at the end of a rainbow. I really like treasure hunts, but I make my living selling expensive cancer treatments and if there are multiple cures for cancer in a pot somewhere at the end of a rainbow I want to be at the other end. If it was proven that I was right there in proximity to the cures and didn't get them scooped up and revealed to the world, or worse still, buried them under a big, big rock, well, it would be bad for PR.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

A TINY FRACTION OF THE BRAIN POWER OF AN OSTRICH

A tiny fraction of the brain power of an ostrich could be used to power a reactor that could harness the pure power of the sea and make great tsunami waves at will and cure them of their waviness at the drop of a beret also. All of the worlds material, physical problems could be solved by harnessing this power, but unfortunately the ostrich just cannot spare this tiny fraction of brain power. The ostrich has a lot of things on it's mind and feels it might be very close to a breakthrough.

Monday, September 4, 2017

DRINKING FROM THE CUP OF LIFE

Drinking from the cup of life, I gulp down it's torrid blue waters, they course and make waves inside me, my organs become great ships harried by the storm, tiny pieces of membrane try to man the rafts and keep the oars in place and it's havoc with this wild wind making the territory go upside down but they are hardy sailors and soon calm is restored and the life giving nutrients flow placid and glowing through me and I walk upright and pulsing with virility.

Friday, September 1, 2017

MY FUNKY BOOM BOX

My funky boom box sprouted arms and legs and starting making for my best tapes to eat 'em up. I hadn't played a tape on that sucker in like 7 years, cause I know that shit eats tapes, and obviously the box had got hungry and resentful and pent up angry and decided to take matters in it's own hands. But fuck that. I dived in front of the tape stash and stared the box right in it's tuning dial. "You not getting any closer, box", I said real cold, "or you gonna get your antenna snatched off." The box lunged and it's strength was terrifying. We were rolling around on the floor, tapes skidding all over, it's tape compartment flapping open and closed, smacking me in the face, it's power cable whipping me like a devils tail.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

LAZY SHEEP SIT AROUND ON BANANA LOUNGES

Lazy sheep sit around on banana lounges all day smoking cigars while eating cornflakes. They never take their sunglasses off. They get on their chunky-ass 1987 mobile phones and bitch to other lazy sheep in the neighbourhood about how the grass just ain't no good no more, and they're too lazy to even go in the swimming pool. Of course, there are alligators in the swimming pool, so maybe it's not just laziness, maybe it's common sense. Maybe I need to give these lazy sheep more credit and stop peering over the fence like the guy in tool time and mind my own business.

Monday, August 28, 2017

TREACHEROUS PIRATES GOT INSIDE MY MOUTH

Treacherous pirates got inside my mouth and stole all my fillings and then the holes got all filled up with food and fucked up my dental hygiene, and by the time I noticed they were gone with the wind. "Damn you, Bluebeard!", I shouted, "this wasn't part of the deal!", shaking my fist impotently in the air. My mother told me never to make deals with pirates, especially treacherous pirates. I mean, when they all have jackets with "treacherous pirates" embroidered on the back, you can' blame anyone but yourself for being grifted.

Friday, August 25, 2017

I GOT SOME CHEMOTHERAPY

I got some chemotherapy and it made my bones so strong that they were were like indestructible ultra-lead pipes. When I died and all my flesh rotted away the bones remained gleaming and unbreakable. After the apocalypse, when the apes rose again, the ape that found my bones essentially had the nuclear weapons stash and became a brutal overlord over all other apes, keeping them in line with blows from my indestructible femur.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

MY UNCLE WORE A CARDIGAN

My uncle wore a cardigan with a slogan on it embroidered in diamonties. The slogan was so profane that my eyes would not allow the information to be sent through to my brain, my eyes would see it and say, "Sorry, no dice", and send it right back through the refracted light airways. My uncle seemed a little miffed that I was not reacting to his offensive cardigan and he was always waggling it's puffy sleeves in front of me and then storming off in a huff. During of of these huffs he stormed right off a cliff and died. Later, I read in the newspaper about the cardigan his corpse had been found wearing and only then was I able to understand what his strange attitude toward me had been all about.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

A CAT SITS IN THE SUNSHINE

A cat sits in the sunshine getting it's cat batteries juiced up with solar sunshine. The sun shines so bright that the batteries get overfull and start to throb and glow radioactive green inside the cat. Bright light shoots from it's eyes and it's meow is so deep that it cracks the concrete for three streets over, while also being so high that all the neighbourhood dogs are driven into tail chasing madness. It is truly a full spectrum, high fidelity meow. The cat levitates and prepares to wreak destruction on the town. but then it changes it's mind and curls back up on the back. This will be a powerful sleep.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

THE NEON FLAMINGO

The neon flamingo on my bedside table unhatched itself from it's stand and went walking along my floor looking for neon fish. There were no neon fish to be found so it fell to the floor crying neon tears. I was moved by it's plight and went to order some neon fish from the same place I ordered the neon flamingo. Maybe I would also order it a neon toucan to keep it company. Flamingos and toucans get on, right? I was filling up my cart and then I realised it would take a couple days for more neon to arrive and in the meantime this neon flamingo would be here crying on my floor and I just couldn't deal with that. "Alright", I said to the flamingo, "I'm gonna go out and buy you some neon fish right now, don't freak out and break yourself while i'm gone."

Monday, August 7, 2017

THE AIR BEING PUSHED OUT OF A SAXOPHONE BELL

The air being pushed out of a saxophone bell causes a ripple in everything that makes tiny incremental changes to the world. Sparks get sparkier and movements get slightly wider and the falling down is slightly arrested and waves hold at their peak just for a microsecond longer and someone in a hot air balloon staring down at the world thinking about their whole life and everybody else's feels the ripple come up and pass through them and swirl into the fire that keeps the hot air balloon floating.

Friday, August 4, 2017

I STOOD BENEATH A WEEPING WILLOW TREE

I stood beneath a weeping willow tree, it's tears came in great globs all over my face as I stared up, trying to figure out what I could do or say to comfort it. It wailed in great breathy heaving sighs, seemingly inconsolable. I patted it's trunk gently, asked if it would like some tea, tried to fix my gaze in a visage of kindness and understanding. Slowly it's cries subsided and it put a branch gingerly around my shoulder, inviting me in. I hugged the willow tree as tight as I could and tried to get as much empathy transfer in the embrace as I could.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

I FLOATED ON A LOG DOWNSTREAM

I floated on a log downstream. I was a beaver.  I knew this log was the only thing keeping me afloat but I also wanted to eat the log. I started to nibble at it and my beaver mother slapped me on the back of the head. She glared at me and handed over a bag of log shaped candies. I frowned and sat there chewing on them. It just wasn't the same. I couldn't wait to move out of log and have my own log and eat my log and drown myself as I pleased.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

I WAS DRIP FED LIQUID NITOGEN

I was drip fed liquid nitrogen in my hospital bed, it made my veins silver and frozen and alive. My skin took on a purple silver hue and my eyes a brilliant emerald green. When I had been wholly infused, I stepped out of my hospital bed and floated down the corridor. My breath was visible and everything it touched was frozen hard and cracked. I passed directly though the wall and floated above the freeway. The twinkling lights and the honking horns rippled through me. I blinked rapidly and my eyes changed colour with each blink. I felt right on the edge of ultimate control and complete loss of control.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

I STARTED TO NOTICE THAT THIS EMPTY CHILDREN'S PLAYGROUND WAS FULL OF CULTY SYMBOLS

I started to notice that this empty children's playground was full of culty symbols, goats with sashes and spinning roman numerals and pickles that had come to life and so forth. I was just starting to feel disturbed when a chill wind blew in from the arctic and sinister culty children started to emerge from behind every pipe, swing-set and tree, grinning and giggling and giving me murder eyes. I had to think fast. I picked up a large stick, tore my shirt off, wrapped it around the edge of the stick, and lit the shirt on fire. "Stay back you little devils!" I shouted. "I'm crazy!" But they could tell by the way my voice wavered that I was scared, and their little smiles turned even uglier. The feeding would soon commence.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

DERANGED BUTTERFLIES STORMED MY HOUSE

Deranged butterflies stormed my house and flapped the place into rubble. Knocking pickle jars to the floor, scaring the cat, intimidating my family with aggressive flapping, I could see the crazed look in their eyes that told me they were each one tiny butterfly step from the edge. I tried to tell my family through telepathy that we should all leap out the window simultaneously, forget about your stamp collections, but they just looked at me like "What? What is that look supposed to mean? I can't read your mind."

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

BIEBER DANCED AROUND THE BARRIO

Bieber danced around the barrio for all of his Colombian beliebers. The sun was shining and they were happy to forget about their poverty for a moment and enjoy the contortions of the famous american cherub. He danced more and more furiously, sweat pooling around him, then he burst into flame and rose into the sky, arms outstretched in a Madonna pose. The beliebers dropped to their knees and screamed. Justin let out a low guttural roar that shook the ground. The beliebers trembled in fear. It was unclear now whether he was an agent of God or Lucifer.

Monday, July 24, 2017

I COULD HEAR THE YOUNG LADIES GIGGLING

I could hear the young ladies giggling around the corner as they did their exercise bike photo shoot. Bronte pouted and pumped hard on the pedals of the exercise bike. All of a sudden it lifted off the ground and started levitating in the air. Maybe we should have been freaked out, but we just smiled to each other like "wow!", the way Sandy does to Danny when the car flies into the air at the end of Grease. She angled her body downward and peddled hard, and soon she was a tiny red leotarded blur in the blue sky. We waved at her and smiled. What things she would see in the air up there.

Friday, July 21, 2017

I DID THE THRILLER DANCE

I did the thriller dance right into the bank and everybody was so freaked out and terrified by my accurate rendition of the moves that they left their posts and I was free to pick through the money and take what I liked. I mostly took hundred dollar notes coz they can buy the most iced cream and other snacks, but I also took some fives because they are pink and I like pink. I slipped as much dough as i could into my waistband and thrillered out of the place, a little more gingerly this time because I didn't want the loot to fall out of my waist band. I was still terrifying though.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

I SHAVED A SHEEP

I shaved a sheep and put the wool all around my body and went with the other sheep to see what the sheep life was like. The shaven sheep put on my velvet jacket and white trousers and went into the city to take my place and see what the coburg budget decadence human life was all about. Raldy the cat could tell something was up, but all the other humans just believed it was me, such is the emblematic power of a purple velvet jacket and a pair of white trousers. Jorge poured the sheep a pisco sour and laughed uproariously. The sheep smiled. It could get used to this.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

I WORE A KEY AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE

I wore a key around my neck every day of my life. When i showered it would get lathered with soap. When I made love, it would bang against my partners chest. When I rode a bicycle, it would hang down and clang clang clang against the metal frame. My parents told me I'd been born with the key around my little neck, and some day I would find out what it unlocked. I found this story pretty spurious, but they were very stern parents and when I would smirk at this story they would grow even sterner. So I played along. I hoped it would open a safe deposit box in some Swiss bank that contained a fortune in rubies or the soul of Cleopatra or something. I really hoped it didn't open a locker in a gym that had held somebody's sweaty underclothes for 35 years.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

I DREAMED A DREAM WHERE I REFLECTED ON MY WHOLE LIFE

I dreamed a dreamed where I reflected on my whole life, but my reflections were in the form of cryptic poetry that I could not understand. I drafted in many eminent scholars to give their interpretations, but none of them seemed right to me. I baked the words into inflate blow up letters and put them in the ocean. They inflated and floated off. I took a tramp steamer across the Adriatic, did a little spice trading and regrouped in the Canary Islands. I waited there by the beach knowing that eventually the words would wash up on shore and I could view them in a new arrangement with fresh canary eyes, and maybe have a little insight into what this was all about.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

THERE IS A DISCO

There is a disco in the center of the earth where the mirror ball is made from screaming people and the dancers are made of mirrors and their reflections bounce off of one another and create a perfect beam of light that hits the DJ in the chest and gives her the power to select the perfect song for right this minute, and when it hits all the mirror dancers are filled with ecstatic tension, and at the start of the 5th bar all the mirrors shatter and chunks fly upward and become lodged in the cheeks of the screaming people ball.

Monday, March 20, 2017

RAINY DAYS

Rainy days cause everything to get all wilting like waterlogged cardboard boxes. My house becomes soggy and a passing bird tears the roof off. I walk out and I am also a soggy cardboard box. I flop down the street getting covered in smut until one of my legs tears off in the wind and floats down a sewerage drain. I plod on, dragging myself along the sidewalk, hoping soon the sun will come out and make me crispy and virile once again.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

MY BONES ARE SO BRITTLE THAT THEY HAVE ALL BROKEN

My bones are so brittle that they have all broken and now I am a sack of skin with a bunch of broken bones down the bottom of it. I have had to hire a lady to drive me around in a golf cart with the top of my skin sack pinned to the front and the full bony bottom of the sack flapping about in the breeze. She takes me to all my important business meetings and I am still able to blink so I communicate via Morse code with a series of blinks and sometimes I suspect that my business associates do not really know Morse code and are just nodding their heads and pretending they know what I am talking about. Oh how I wish I could slam my fist down on the desk and say "DON'T YOU HUMOUR ME!", but my arm and hand and jawbones are all broken into tiny pieces and mingling in the bottom of my sack.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

A SUMPTUOUS FEAST WAS LAID OUT IN ANTICIPATION OF THE ROYAL GREYHOUNDS' ARRIVAL

A sumptuous feast was laid out in anticipation of the royal greyhounds' arrival. Mounds of pork chops, steaks, wheels of brie, all the things doggies like to eat. The yoyal greyhounds, covered head to tail in gorgeous mink robes, bejeweled crowns on their heads, were placed atop the table and given free reign to gorge themselves, but of course they were sophisticated royal doggies and ate in a prim, dainty fashion, tromping slowly along the table, taking a little nibble of some pork fat and taking a little nick off the edge of the brie wheel. Occasionally the Queen would prod some foodstuffs with her paw, smell the paw, turn her nose up and saunter off. Oh, how the crowd loved that one.

Monday, March 13, 2017

SHE MADE MY BLOOD RUN COLD

She made my blood run cold until my veins were full of icicles. Then she put me in a giant cocktail shaker, filled it with gin and pomegranate juice and mint and various other liqueurs and lifted it high above her head. As she shook me and the booze all around, I could hear her roaring. The way it sounded coming through the aluminum shaker gave me an extra chill, which made the icicles in my veins even colder. Damn she was good.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

I DROVE RIGHT THROUGH THE SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN

I drove right through the side of a mountain. The cliff face gave way to my car as if it was butter, sliding to the side and letting me burrow straight through. I drove in blackness for 10,000 minutes and then emerged in another part of the country. It was tropical here, and soon my car was covered in toucans and bananas. I got out and stretched my legs, then I sat on the hood of the car and shared a banana with a toucan. The toucan din't say anything and neither did I, but I could tell we had a thing going on.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

I LOLLED AROUND IN A MOUNTAIN OF USED COFFEE GROUNDS

I lolled around in a mountain of used coffee grounds, luxuriating in the feeling of them pressing into my skin, each one of the millions of little grounds making friends with one of my pores and nuzzling right in there. I grabbed a great handful and rubbed it into my legs. Oh, what a feeling to be naked on a mountain of coffee grounds. I stared up at the sun and the mountains and felt the cool breeze on my bottom. Some vultures were circling around, and I shouted at them, "Buzz off, you buzzards, I'm not dead. I'VE NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE!"

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

A SPACE SHIP CAME DOWN FROM THE SKY

A space ship came down from the sky and lowered it's gang plank. The aliens that emerged were dressed flamboyantly, with great ruched collars and pussy bows and wild flared bell-bottoms that meant each one had to stand ten feet apart, and jewels, dripping in jewels the likes of which we earthlings had never seem. Some were struck instantly green with envy, some were frightened by the terrifying power of their fashion, and some of us were simply wide-eyed and bedazzled and enthralled by it all. "Oh darling", I said, "you've simply got to come up to the back room at Max's, all the players up there are just going to shit themselves and die".

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

IN THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE THERE IS A SUIT OF ARMOUR

In the bottom of the lake there is a suit of armour that was once worn by a dragon-slaying knight. His head was bitten off by a dragon and his armour covered corpse flung into the lake. His body was eaten away by fishies and now the suit of armor and the bones inside are an adventure playground for all the fishies of the lake. how they love darting and weaving around the bones of his rib-cage, or hiding in the little crevice where his foot used to be. The fishies can't wait for another dragon slayer to have his head bitten off and his headless corpse tossed into the lake so they can have another piece of adventure playground to wiggle all around in. Even though their memories are so short that the current one is always sort of new to them, it brings up a certain sense of deja-vu that the fishies are beginning to find tiresome.

Monday, March 6, 2017

ANOTHER UNIVERSE CRASHED INTO MY UNIVERSE AND OBLITERATED IT

Another universe crashed into my universe and obliterated it. Luckily I was able to leap out the window of my universe at the last minute, But now I am floating through the void, hoping another universe will pass by and i'll be able to jimmy open a window and slip through like the burglars in the night. It will be an adjustment to start fresh in a whole new universe, but maybe that's what I should focus on, the fresh start. All my past mistakes will be swept away and with the wisdom I gained from them I can make better choices in this new universe. But with the wisdom I still have the memory of those mistakes. They're never really gone. They're going to sit forever like a rock in my stomach till i die.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

THE FONDUE PARTY WAS GOING SWELL

The fondue party was going swell. Everybody was naked and feeling sick from eating so much cheese. It had spilled many times and been dripped all over the carpet and drapes. The chocolate and cheese fondue had splashed into each other and everything was discoloured and gross. The Masons from next door started bickering, and then Henrietta and George Jones got involved in the argument. Soon the whole lounge was turned upside as the fondue party became an all in brawl, sweaty naked bodies with red faces tumbled all over, scratching and biting and pulling hair. People screamed in agony as the boiling fondue scorched their delicate flesh. It was wonderful.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

A FREAKY LOOKING DOLPHIN PURSUES A SQUID THROUGH THE WATER

A freaky looking dolphin pursues a squid through the water. The squid seems to be having no trouble keeping pace, and shoots ink into the dolphins eye every few seconds, but the dolphin doesn't flinch. The freaky looking dolphin is pulsing with anger and hunger and hate, and it will continue to pursue this squid until one of them runs out of energy and dies. A latin-american steam ship high above is blasting the music of Perez Prado, and as the mambo rhythms pulse through the water, the rippling vibrations give the freaky looking dolphin the extra push he needs to keep on swimming.

Monday, February 20, 2017

A GROOVY YOUNG COUPLE FROM SINGAPORE GET IN THEIR DATSUN

A groovy young couple from Singapore get in their Datsun and hit the road. The sun is going down and the evening is beginning to sparkle. She pushes the cigarette lighter in, leans back in her chair and breathes in the early night air. As they coast along the highway, she lights a cigarette and leans back. He looks at her out of the corner of his eye while driving. She deserves so much more attention than the corner of an eye. He hopes that soon his work in developing car driving robots will come to fruition, and he will then be able to feel the wind of the open road in his hair as he passionately kisses his wife, knowing all the while that the Robodrive3000 is shepherding them safely to their beachfront destination.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

LURID NEON LIGHTS BLINDED ME

Lurid neon lights blinded me. I stumbled through Chinatown, thinking about that lobsters and what would become of them. I'd been drinking heavily ever since the incident, it rattled me and I needed to maintain equilibrium by getting wobbly. Could they really survive out here? Perhaps the ones that got into the storm drains could make a new life for themselves, have some kind of underground Huckleberry Finn lobster adventures. Perhaps they would let me come along on their raft, and over time we could break down the age old mistrust between man and lobster. We could forge a heartwarming friendship and then have it adapted into a Hollywood film and then get screwed out of any money and retire back to our home towns in disgust.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

CHINATOWN AND THE AUGUST MOON WAS PINK

Chinatown and the august moon was pink and yellow and a little white, the colours were shifting as the clouds went by. I could hear firecrackers going off and in the window of a restaurant there was a ruckus going on. The lobster waiter was trying to grab a lobster out of the tank but they were all ducking and weaving and giving him a lot of trouble. He reached right in and two lobsters clamped his shirtsleeve and pulled. He tumbled straight into the tank and crashed right through the window. Lobster water and lobster rocks and lobsters spilled right out into the street. The lobsters went scuttling off into laneways and down into sewerage drains and up drain pipes, and in a few seconds it was just me and the wet lobster waiter alone on the street in the yellow and pink and white moonlight.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

CANTANKEROUS OLD FIREFLIES BUZZED AROUND THE SUGAR CANE

Cantankerous old fireflies buzzed around the sugar cane, sipping their drinks and reminiscing about the days of the Ming Dynasty when a fly could get a priceless vase for next to nothing. Oh, they had vases in those days, and the flowers you'd put in them! Why the purple you think of now as a deep, deep purple, that would have been considered a lavender back then! Oh, the the kind of purple you could get lost in, swimming around, and almost suffocating from the richness, but you could take it, you could take it because you were a man (a man firefly), and you had the strength to be suffused in the deepest of purples and feel it all and stand up and fly.

Monday, February 6, 2017

A GIANT HAD CAPTURED ME AND PUT ME IN A SANDWICHE

A giant had captured me and put me in a sandwiche. I was nestled between some lettuce and a goopy sluicy bed of mayonnaise. The mayonnaise was disgusting to be laying in, but the texture of it pressed against was naked body was quite pleasant if I could imagine it was some kind of beauty cream. I wasn't sure what else was in the sandwich, anything beyond my canopy of lettuce was out of sight. "Hey Giant!" I shouted, "How about a little alfalfa in here to rest my head on?"

Saturday, February 4, 2017

THE SWEET CARESS OF THE COOL BREEZE

The sweet caress of the cool breeze against my cheek made me die instantly. It was simply too pleasurable for my body to compute. My spirit floated up out of my body. It felt the cool breeze and was struck double dead. My spirit's spirit floated up out of that and by this time i was getting a little sick of this but I knew comedy came in threes so I prepared for the next cool breeze. A double spirit Mack truck came hurtling along the spirit highway and mashed my double spirit painfully triple dead. Goodness, death can be cruel. Triple death triply so.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

I WENT TO SCHOOL TO LEARN HOW TO COOK FRENCH CUISINE

I went to school to learn how to cook french cuisine. They said, "Put a whole lotta le butter on things". I put a tab of butter on a crystal plate and served it to the visiting Emir of somewhere and I was pronounced the greatest French chef in history. There was outrage that a foreigner should be awarded such a title. The populace burned cars in the street and then cried in their boudoirs for several days as they questioned their national identity. It was decided that I must have been a Frenchman all along. They put a stripey shirt on me and handed me a baguette and held me aloft in the city square. I didn't know how to talk french and I didn't want to spoil the whole thing they had going on so I just pursed my lips in a haughty, imperious manner and looked down upon the populace. They were beautiful.

Monday, January 30, 2017

A HANDSOME COWBOY LEANED AGAINST THE RAILING

A handsome cowboy leaned against the railing and reeled off his flirty cowboy game. I sat perched up on the same railing and twisted my legs around it and gave him the eyes that said I was interested but i'd like to hear some more. He was covered in red dust and I couldn't make out his smell too good amongst the horses, but I liked his chin and his eyebrows and his voice and I was feeling that carefree vacation feeling all into the ends of my toes in my cowboy boots. I reached down and fingered my spurs as I smiled wryly at him. He kept on a talking that talk and I could have listened for a good while.

Friday, January 27, 2017

LOGS ROLLED OFF THE BACK OF THE LOGGING TRUCK

Logs rolled off the back of the logging truck and bounced on the road and crashed through my windshield. I swerved but kept driving and soon found that a log in my front seat was a wonderful companion. So woody and stoic. The log lived up to the fantasies i'd had of a man that had never been realized in these fleshy humans i'd picked up, no matter how tough and stiff and silent they'd been, none was more a MAN this this log. I stroked it's bark. It didn't react at all. I quivered.

Monday, January 23, 2017

I WALKED THROUGH A GARDEN OF TELEPHONES

I walked through a garden of telephones. Telephones of all colours sprouting from plants, all ringing softly. I picked up a pink telephone and listened in. "Howard, I won't be a fool over this donkey affair...". I hung up the phone. I ambled through the garden some more, twisting the hairs on my chest in my fingers. Eventually I thought i'd try another phone, so I picked up a baby blue number. "Darling, I'm covered in ants and I couldn't be happier. Won't you join me and roll around in this anthill and be free?" I considered it.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

A DEER AMBLED THROUGH THE SNOW

A deer ambled through the snow, and on it's journey snow piled up on it's snout and it's head and on it's back until there was so much snow it seemed to be a new mountain. Geologists spied it with their telescopes and reported findings and the geology scene was abuzz with this new mountain that seemed to be moving and papers were published and there was a spuriously put together special on the geology channel. And then the deer got to it's destination and shook off the snow and the mountain came tumbling down and the tears of geologists flooded the city and many collections of magazines were waterlogged and ruined.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

THERE ARE SPEAKERS ALL AROUND

There are speakers all around so I will build a house made out of speakers. The chunkiest speakers will be the walls and some of the lighter speakers will be the widows and I will pull their insides out and use the mesh part as a blind that I will pull up when I want to let the sun shine in and the roof will be made of thatched together tiny computer speakers and I will sit in the house on a couch made of speakers and listen to my records on the one pair of speakers that is actually being used as a pair of speakers and will rest my eggs and coffee on a coffee table that is actually a speaker and I will be as happy as Larry if Larry was a man who lived in a house made of speakers.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

THE BOOTH WAS SO HAPPY TO BE SAVED THAT IT LEAPT INTO THE AIR AND DID A TWIST

The booth was so happy to be saved that it leapt into the air and did a twist. The people inside were thrown around and some of the chemicals spilled out and one of it's feet broke off, but everybody was so overjoyed at the saving of the booth that these trifles were soon gone with the wind. The people got out and took the booth arm in arm on either side and suddenly big band jazz music was playing and the three of them began sauntering doing the street in a Bob Fosse walk, kicking their heels and snapping their fingers and singing with pure joie de vivre. A line formed behind them and soon the whole city was Fosse walking down Flinders st with party hats on and glitter was falling from the sky and everybody kissed somebody and smiled with their eyes.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

A PAIR OF PANTS WOKE UP ON THE TRAIN TRACKS

A pair of pants woke up on the train tracks with no legs in them. It could hear a train hooting and scrambled off into the bushes as it thundered by. Oh god. It's stitches hurt and it's button was stinging and it had weird stains all over it and it had no idea where it's pair of legs had gotten to. The embarrassment. The shame. It couldn't contemplate being a pair of abandoned pants left on the street. If it was out too long it would officially be deemed grotty pants on the street and nobody would slide their legs in ever again. The pants had to formulate a plan fast. If it couldn't find it's familiar pair of legs it had to get in a position to be picked and worn by a new human, and soon. Perhaps it could sneak into a pile of dirty laundry?

Monday, January 9, 2017

BURNING PIRATE SHIPS CRASHED INTO MY HOUSE

Burning pirate ships crashed into my house and my house was all a sudden in flames and filled with flaming pirates who had great earrings but bad manners and ate all my cereal and poked holes in my toothpaste with their cutlasses and left every surface they sat on with a greasy sheen and I was getting a little shirty about it all but I figured what the hell, the house is gonna be burnt to the ground soon enough so I might as well just enjoy the pirate party. I put on an eyepatch and grabbed a bottle of rum and started pillaging myself.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

THE BRIDGE WAS SHAKY

The bridge was shaky and I could feel it would collapse under my weight so I decided to end the tension and leap directly into the river filled with snapping crocodiles. I had the good fortune of landing directly in a crocodiles mouth while it was all the way open. I went straight down the throat and into the stomach, did a one-eighty and pushed my arms and legs into the crocodiles arms and legs, so I was wearing a crocodile costume with my face poking out of the mouth. I very gingerly walked along the bottom of the river toward the bank, hoping none of the other crocodiles had been watching. Some of them looked over and thought that that was a funny way to be moving, but Jerry had never been quite right.

Monday, January 2, 2017

I TOOK MY BRAIN OUT AND SLICED IT INTO SLICES

I took my brain out and sliced it into slices approximately 2.5cm wide. I buttered the slices on both sides and put them on the barbecue at a low temperature. I turned the slices after 5 mins and let them cook for another 5 mins. They I took them off the barbecue and lest them rest for a further five minutes. I basted them in Japanese rice wine vinegar and sprinkled diced shallots on top. Then I reassembled the pieces into their original brain order, put two skewers in to hold them together, and sealed them back in my skull. Whether this process has helped matters is yet to be determined.