Friday, June 26, 2015

I'LL BE WITH YOU IN APPLE BLOSSOM TIME

I'll be with you in apple blossom time, under the tree. We will climb it and it's branches will twist around us as we embrace. We will be covered in apple blossoms as we kiss and eventually it will cut off our oxygen and we will die. And in the winter time when the blossoms have fallen and the tree is bare, we will be on display, pressed up against each other, cradled by the branches, until we are covered again in the next apple blossom time.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

TROMBONES FELL FROM THE SKY

Trombones fell from the sky and landed on the heads of every human in unison. Everybody looked hilarious with a trombone stuck on their head, but nobody could see how hilarious everybody else looked because they all had trombones stuck on their heads, covering their eyes. People bumped into each other and heard the clanging of trombones stuck together, and eventually people started bending other people over and playing their trombones. The heads stuck in them made quite a mute, but you could still get a pretty good sound going on.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

TWIRLY SWIRLING SNAKES

Twirly swirling snakes shot across the room, dipping up and down as they went in a wavy movement that was pleasing to my eyeballs. I had to huddle down in the bed, warm and toasty like, to make sure I was not splackacked by one of these flying snakes that jettisoned all around the place. They seemed as if floating in liquid, but they were free levitating on the air above me. Had my atmosphere been thickened like cream? Was it sour cream? Fighting my way out of a room full of sour cream would be an utmost challenge.

Friday, June 19, 2015

DOWN ON THE FARM THERE ARE CHICKENS AND GOATS AND CATTLE ANIMALS

Down on the farm there are chickens and goats and cattle animals all looking left and right and acting real shifty like. And then when the peoples ain't looking, they all sidle on into the barn. They get out cigars and cognac and have themselves a little bonfire and bitch about the people and plot to overthrow them and kill them all. "Couldn't we just kick them off the farm and not kill them?" asked a doe-eyed cow. "Ha!" laughed Mr Chicken derisively, "You can't have a revolution without killing people." The other animals laughed and snorted, and the cow slunk away sadly. She went out behind the barn and, as the strings swelled, she sang "Someday" from West Side Story. or "Somewhere". Or whatever it is.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

DOWN THE BOTTOM OF THE GARDEN THERE IS A SECRET PARADISE MADE FOR TWO

Down the bottom of the garden there is a secret paradise made for two. I will tie you up with poison ivy and it will itch you so good. I will find a leaf with just the right texture and run it underneath your breasts. I will blindfold you and kiss you and we will hear the sounds of the little babbling brook and it will be magical. When night comes we will curl up beneath the big oak tree and all the furry animals of the forest will come get on top of us and make a living blanket.

Monday, June 15, 2015

TRANQUIL TRANQUILIZER DARTS PIERCED MY NECK AND BUTTOCKS

Tranquil tranquillizer darts pierced my neck and buttocks. I felt the toxins ease into my bloodstream, a lover with a slow hand. I could feel it in my eyeballs first, a nice numbing around the back and some water out the sides. Then my knees collapsed and I slid smiling into the grass. Being on the run had been so stressful. Now all there was to do was relax and and let the terror take it's course.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

THE OLD ITALIAN LADY

The old Italian lady cooked rustic bread over an open fire. Soon the children would be coming to visit the village, and she would feed them this bread with broken glass baked into it. When she saw the children wince in pain and confusion as the glass dug into the inside of their mouths, her heart would leap. She had tried to get her kicks like most grandmothers did, by being kind and loving to children, but it left her feeling cold and empty and despicable. It was only when she was hurting them, and doing it an underhanded way such as this, that she felt truly alive, zinging with purpose. Perhaps children just had too good a time of it, and this was a balancing out of the universe, and this sweet, hot, dizzying feeling was her reward.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

OH WHAT A CAD HE WAS

Oh what a cad he was, a right bounder I must say, tip toeing all down the high street at all hours of the evening, darting behind phone boxes and whispering in ladies ears and absconding immediately and proposing marriage to duchesses and boarding tramp steamers to India and smelling all the wonderful spices and wondering what ghastly nefarious activities he could get up to next, caring not for the innocent flower petals he was trampling in his wake, oh the horror of it all

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

UNDERNEATH THE FLOORBOARDS

Underneath the floorboards in my house there is so much pirate gold that if I got at it all my financial worries would be over forever. But if I tore up the floorboards I'd lose my bond. I know what you thinking, so pay for it with the freakin' pirate gold, but I just got a mental block here, I can't do something that's gonna make me lose my bond. Sure, I been destroying the damn wall bit by bit through this chair smacking against it while I'm fucking, but things done while fucking, that's a special clause in my brain you know, I'll let anything slide when I'm in that state. Jeez it makes my mind fizz though, thinking about all that pirate gold, rubies as big your head, doubloons from all over spanish land and all the spanish territories. Boy howdy.

Monday, June 8, 2015

I WAS ALREADY PREPARING TO LEAP

I was already preparing to leap out of the plane, but suddenly Harold flung a pork chop at my head, knocking me sideways with an almighty splat and right out the door into free-fall. I could barely contain my rage at this act of moral pulchritude. How dare he ruin my first sky diving experience. I would somehow conspire to erase every tape of Neighbours in existence, destroying his legacy, that would do it. As I fumed and plotted, an angel came flapping up next to me, white wings, cherubic bottom and all, and whispered, "That's not enough. You have to kill him. You have to kill his family and burn his house to the ground."

Thursday, June 4, 2015

I FOUND MYSELF STARING AGOG

I found myself staring agog at this sexual colossus. His heady musk, his ragged locks, his golden chains, his proud buttocks, his wayfaring stranger stance, it all added up to short circuit my regulated mind. I knew at once I must not talk, but listen, to this travelling stranger. He would reveal to me strange, sensual worlds that were hitherto hidden from view. Things that existed perhaps only metres away from my usual routine, but in a whole 'nother world.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

SHE TOUCHED THE HEM OF HIS GARMENT

She touched the hem of his garment, hoping she would be made whole. Even better, she became a real hep old lady, she suddenly had a zoot suit wrapped around her body, a wide brimmed hat and a watch chain , and boooooy, she was struttin' on down the streets of Jerusalem. This real hep combo was wheeling along beside her on a cart, double bass, bootin' sax, the whole thing. She found herself saying things like "daddy-o" and "squares beware" and didn't know what to make of it. These developments were exciting but extremely frightening too. Such a rapid personality shift threatened to send her into some kind of coma or permanent psychosis.

Monday, June 1, 2015

DREAMY PUFFY CLOUDS

Dreamy puffy clouds make me feel so bouant, when I am laying on one, looking down at the world at night all twinkly and alive, I know I am safe and warm and buffetted from all danger and nefarious activities. It's all just a lovely haze. If I want to, I can take the cloud wherever I want. "To Amsterdam", I say, and the cloud whooshes over there, and I find a beanstalk to climb down and then I wander around the streets for a while, taking in the spicy smells and laughing in amusement at the brusqueness of my fellow humans before returning to the safety of my cloud