Friday, May 29, 2015

THE COFFEE DRIPS INTO THE POT

The coffee drips into the pot. It is so strong that it burns through the bottom of the pot like acid, burns through the floor and into the basement. And I am laying there in the basement with my mouth open, ready to drink it in. When I have drunk my fill, my eyes expand and I levitate. I float up the stairs and out the door and along my street, red lasers shooting out of my eyes, burning my enemies horribly. I have to watch out for power lines.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

TRANSUBSTANTIATION IS SO FUCKING HOT

Transubstantiation is so fucking hot. When I line up in front of the man in the hat to get my wafer and and drink the wine out of that chalice, knowing it REALLY is the flesh and blood of Jesus himself, eternal mega-celebrity heartthrob, that I'm devouring and supping on him, THE REAL GUY, in public, surrounded by all these people, oh god that's sweet perversion.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

MY WHOLE BODY WAS DIPPED

My whole body was dipped in egg and rolled in bread crumbs. I had been crumbed. Surely, I thought, this was leading to me bring fried. But all of a sudden the giant kitchen was empty, the door wide open to freedom. Was it a trick? Surely no greater horror could await me through that door than the searing pan burning these breadcrumbs into my tender thighs.

Monday, May 25, 2015

THERE IS A STORM

There is storm. It is making the water into waves. The waves are crashing against a boat. I am in the boat. I fear for my life. I have never been in the midst of such fury, and I do not want to die. I have smelled and tasted many things, but I wish to smell and taste many things more. And many of the exquisite things I have smelled and tasted before, I wish to smell and taste them again. I cling tight to this railing and hope that today will not be the day of my death.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

BAREFACED INTRANSIGENCE

Barefaced intransigence by cretinous goons intent on destroying the fibrous moral fibres that we have built up through our daily easting of bran flakes through the ages, from the times of battling with short armed dinosaurs to our battles with robotic wives whose cannon arms endanger our every waking hour, must be obliterated.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

BOILING CAULDRONS OVERFLOWING

Boiling cauldrons overflowing, great crashing cymbals, mice scattering everyone. terror struck faces, armour covered giants striding purposefully through town, eagles circling overhead, a storm coming, impending doom, the army marching over the hillside, the gods getting angry, plots hatching, wicked winds a coming, raggedy carts coming down the road with them

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

MEDIUM TO HIGH SEXINESS LEVELS

"I always aim for medium to high sexiness levels", I proudly told the doctor. He frowned at me gravely. "I'm not sure how to tell you this, Sir, but your sexiness levels are through the floor. I've never seen such dangerously low levels of sexy". I just about fell of my chair. "But i've been using herbal essences bodywash every day, to keep myself smelling good for the women. How can this be?"
"I'm sorry, sir", said the doctor, "you just seem to be essentially stank and funky".

Monday, May 11, 2015

DUNDERHEADED LAND WITCHES

Dunderheaded land witches with brains oozing out of their ears should put a cork in their ears to stop up the brain leakage. If they are already dunderheaded, all that brains what they have is so precious they really got to keep as much as they can. Of course, plugging up your ears makes it hard to hear and it's dangerous to ride a broomstick through the air late at night with no hearing. Could get into an accident. But having no brains could get you in an accident too. You gotta weigh those things up.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

THE TWELVE SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC

The twelve signs of the zodiac are as follows:
the freaky monkey that ate all the peanuts
the moon in the shape of a pomegrante
the tamarin seed that harbours the sexual power of omar sharifs moustache
the moustache that is full of crumbs but they are crumbs of such quality that they must be collected
the collected works of edgar allan poe blended up with some kale into a smoothie
a smooth talking hustler named MORRIS DAY
A day and night pill that comes to life and runs rampant then goes to sleep mid rampage
A ram whose horns is so twisty you get hypnotized by them and don't realize he has eaten all your grass
a grassy knoll that holds secrets
how many is that?
A victoria's secret catalogue that masturbates while watching you sleep
A sleeping polar that kills any who dare to wake it
a waking dream that that has a light around it
that's them
that's the 12 signs of the zodiac

Saturday, May 9, 2015

SCIENCE IS SWIRLING ALL AROUND ME

Science is swirling all around me. In between my toes and in between my hairs and in between all my atoms and slipping out through tiny cracks in the walls and flying out into the night and riding on the wind and getting all up under the birds feathers and touching it's spines and dipping up toward the moon and slipping back into my bedroom while I sleep and humming all round me.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

DRUMSTICKS

Drumsticks. Chicken drumsticks. Playing drums with chicken drumsticks. It gets the drums all greasy. And it only makes a real dull thocking sound. But if you hungry, you can chew on some chicken between beats. And then the sticks get more bony and it changes the sound. So each bite give you a different sound to play with throughout the song. Maybe you wanna take a big old bite just before the breakdown to get a real bony rickey tick sound. I dunno what you vegetarian drummers gonna do. I guess you gonna have to have a chicken biter on standby to bite the chicken to your specifications at any moment.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

TELL OLD PHARAOH TO LET MY PEOPLE GO

"Tell old Pharaoh to let my people go"
"He's so old he can't hear it"
"Well turn up his hearing aid"
"He don't have no hearing aid no more, he dropped it in the toilet"
"Well write it down on a piece of paper for him"
"He can't read"
"Well draw a picture that'll give him the gist"
"He doesn't really do good at interpreting pictures"
"He's a fuckin egyptian! with all those heiroglyphics you telling me he can't interpret pictures?"
"He's a Pharaoh you know, they're all inbred, he has a hard time with a lot of things"
"Aw geez. We'll i'm just taking these goddamn people, to hell with him!"

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

I CRADLED THEM ALL IN THE PALM OF MY HAND

I cradled them all in the palm of my hand. All the women and men and animals and houses and tress and records and meals I had loved in my life. I petted them gently with my finger and kept repeating to myself, "remember they are there. Don't get absent minded and forget they are there and crush them or drop them down a storm drain." I didn't have to carry them far, only to the shops to buy some milk and back. But I still didn't quite feel up to it.

Monday, May 4, 2015

I SUMMONED ALL MY MANLINESS

I summoned all my manliness and attempted to chop these hunks of wood. After 20 minutes of sweating, the wood started to feel sorry for me and it chopped itself. Each hunk would throw itself onto the axe to chuck of some little splinters of kindling that were good for arms, then chop away, throwing the axe in the air and getting underneath for the last chop. I felt somewhat emasculated, but I am a very lazy man, so I was most pleased with this outcome.

Friday, May 1, 2015

MOUNTAINS OF TRASH IN THE DISTANCE

Mountains of trash in the distance. Sweet, beautiful trash. Orange peels, apple cores, packages that used to hold toothbrushes and tampons and those Japanese sticks covered in chocolate. All that booty just waiting to be looted, rifled through, POSSESSED. But I have no wheels and those piles are just a misty mirage in the distance. I let me eyes cross and try to will some of the garbage to float through the air and toward me. I feel like it's kind of working, but I don't get no garbage.