Saturday, December 26, 2015

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

Santa Claus is coming to town, cruising by real slow with dark glasses, smoking a cigarette and tossing gifts out the window without looking. He's got things on his mind. The Martians have a campaign to kidnap him force him to bring Christmas joy to their poor little joyless Martian children. But he's seen this movie before. Best bet is just to keep moving. Don't stop for no nothing and no body.

Friday, December 25, 2015

SNOWY CHRISTMAS FLAKES

Snowy christmas flakes fell down upon my face, IO opened my mouth and tasted them and they tasted like cardoman shortbread. I realized this was all a dream and I was in Australia and it was hot and I was stuck in a basement with the door blocked off by an avalanche of reindeer antlers, but I willed the dream to continue and the cardoman to keep buzzing my tongue.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

I WALKED INTO A SPIDER WEB

I walked into a spider web and it coated my whole body, and as I span around it rolled me tight like a cigar. A giant came along and lit me up and puffed on me, but the taste of my burning hair was so acrid that he dropped me into the ocean. I floated in my web for 99 days and then I was fished out of the water by Kate Bush, who was travelling the seas alone in an old rusty trawler. She sang for me and it was so mellifluous that that my hair was repaired and the spider-web unwound from me and drifted lazily up into the heavens.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

SLIPPING IN BETWEEN THE LAYERS OF SKIN

Slipping in between the layers of skin, the little mouse-mite burrowed away with it's gnashing teeth, eating little skin bubbles and fashioning them into popsicles within it's stomach, then regurgitating therm and licking them, till eventually it's teeth fell out from too many popsicles, and the cycle was over. The little mouse-mite stopped burrowed and cried and wished it had been just a little more moderate.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

ARE YOU RED RED READY

Are you red red ready for your whole being to be subsumed by roast chicken? Your lips and eyes and toes will all become roast chicken, with oily, crispy skin, and no sooner have you accepted this new state of being, you will be set upon by dogs and cats and rats and quokkas and armadillos, tearing the delicious chickeny flesh from your bones as you scream in pain. Then you lay there on the concrete, greasy bones twitching, trying to cry but your chickeny tear ducts were chewed off and swallowed by a cute little joey.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

INSURRECTION IN THE CITY

insurrection in the city is the product of soft drinks having too much sugar and the children being driven wild with fizzy brains and rotten teeth, they will gum you till you are really uncomfortable and you will eventually kick them away and then their parents will sue you and you will be destitute, wandering around on the hottest day of the year dripping milk into your beard and wailing like a mother seal who has lost her pup

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

RUNNING UP A HILL

Running up a hill, i felt the grass between my toes and the dew sluicing all over top of my feet and i wanted to stop and luxuriate in the feeling and lay on my back and feel that grass with my hands and face and feel the sun beating down on me, but i needed to get to the top to make sure that the ice cream cake wasn't melting

Monday, November 9, 2015

I WAS DRIVING A JAGUAR CAR

I was driving a jaguar car, and a a jaguar pulled up beside me driving a Datsun Bluebird. The tiger had it's arm out the window and black sunglasses on. It looked across at me in my jaguar car, pulled it's sunglasses down a little and gave me this look, and then speeded away, and I felt a lot less cool about driving my jaguar car. So I got out and left it in the middle of the road and walked away, with people behind me yelling and honking. I needed to go get an ice cream cone and think about my life.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

DRIFTING THROUGH THE AIR IS A SMELL

Drifting through the air is a smell that seems like a mixture of roast chicken and fennel and it takes on the phantasmagoric image of a roast chicken, and you can see this ghostly roast chicken floating through the neighbourhood, bobbing up and down a little. Everybody is happy to see and smell the roast chicken go past and it has certainly helped sales of chicken and fennel at the neighbourhood poultry and herb emporiums.

Monday, November 2, 2015

GRISLY CRIMSON RIVERS

Grisly crimson rivers sluicing all through the  cracks in my mind and sipping out of all my pores and everything is bloody and we are are floating on blood and it is gushing out into space and the crescent shaped moon is splashed and dripping with blood and all the aliens having their weddings in white dresses are aghast to be splack-acked like this.

Friday, October 30, 2015

PRINGLES CHIPS WERE INVENTED

Pringles chips were invented during a moment of single handed supernatural chicanery when Thomas Jefferson levitated off the floor, his eyes rolling back into his head and his skin turning green, and made some uncooked potatoes fly out of the pantry, cook in mid air, split into many parts and fly into a tennis-ball can. A fellow from the Pringle company was watching all this through the window and stole his idea. You shouldn't let chip manufacturers watch you through the window.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

IF I HAD A TICKET

If I had a ticket to get on a submarine, I would use that ticket and then I would hijack the submarine and take it into international waters and run a pirate radio station for all the deep sea fishes with glow sticks hanging off their heads. I will play them deep house with lots of sub bass and they will groove on it real nice and I will be doing my community service for the undersea fishes. I know some of you like me doing my community service for you on-the-land people, but I been doing that for ten years, it's time to throw the fishies a little sugar.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

TUMBLING TUMBLEWEEDS TUMBLE PAST

Tumbling tumbleweeds tumble past, as tumbleweeds do. I chase them but my little legs get tired. Some day I will exchange these little legs for giant long flamingo legs, and I will have pink feathers and a nice curvy beak, that is to say, some day I will be a flamingo. Men and women and children and dogs and possums and cicadas will tremble and melt at the sight of my majesty. I will not be haughty, but graceful and forever mysterious.

Monday, October 19, 2015

OPEN MY EYES AND SEE THAT I AM IN A COMPLETE VOID

Open my eyes and see that I am in a complete void. How can I tell? Coz i can't see nothing. But maybe my eyes aren't really open. Better have a feel of my eyelids. Yep, they're up. Have a poke at my eyeballs. Yep, there they are, all squishy. But how do I know if i'm blind or actually in a void. I'll call out to the void. "Hey Void, am I in you?" "YEEEEEES", says the void. Well that settles it then. Nothing to do but kick back in the nothingness for a while and await  any future developments.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

FOR THE PRINCELY SUM OF EIGHT ROUBLES

For the princely sum of eight roubles, I will take you into a cave that is studded with rubies and diamonds and jewels, and I will show you the corpsey skeleton corpse of a pirate still draped over the top of his chest full of gold doubloons. Don't go thinking about trying to snatch any, because his doubloon lust lives on beyond his mortal body, and a vicious red glow will appear in his eye socket and his bony arm will grasp at his cutlass and slice you in twain.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

I BEEN LOOKING FOR A WIFE

I been looking for a wife, all my life, i been looking inside bread bags but all i see is bread, I beenn looking inside tress but i just see woodpeckers, i been looking in the back of the TV but all I found is wires and tubes and stuff. Maybe i need to go to the wife store, they gotta have some there, i said to myself. But then they invented wi-fi, and I thought, hey that's close enough, if I got wi-fi I don't really need that extra E. So now i curls up with my wi-fi every night and watch old reruns of Cheers through the internet.

Friday, October 16, 2015

UNDERNEATH THE WATER AND UNDERNEATH THE SAND

Underneath the water and underneath the sand and underneath the rock and underneath the layers of diamonds and sludge and cookie and thick caramel, just above the throbbing molten centre of the earth, there is a place where lovers go, to feel warm and compressed and to hold each other tight and to be held tight by the forces around them. When you are down in that space with your lover, you can feel the twist of every tree root, you can feel each fossil getting minute by minute more fossilized, you can feel those old trees uncurling into diamonds, and you can feel that molten heat below you. Tt feels good.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

SIZZLING SAUSAGES

Sizzling sausages squirt their hot sausage juices all over the bbq, the bbq moans on impact and shudders visibly. I feel as if I shouldn't be watching this very intimate encounter, but I am fascinated. I hide behind the flowery bush and peek through, stroking the pink and red flowers as I watch it all unfold. They feel good against my fingers, soft and tearable. But I don't want to tear them. Soon I will have to cough loudly and approach the BBQ so I can turn the sausages. I'll do my best not to look too much and scurry back to my voyeur spot behind the bushes.

Friday, October 9, 2015

CLIFF NOTES ON THE BOTTOM OF A BRANCH

Cliff notes on the bottom of a branch in very skinny handwriting. I am in the tree studying for my koala test, what is it that we eat again? Some kind of leaves that get us high and make us real horny? It's hard because I wasn't born a koala but I'm trying to transition into being one but the koala committee make it hard as shit, that don't want any old monkey or cheetah or human to be able to get that good koala health care and all those funky leaves, so you really gotta bone up on your koala business if you wanna pass the test.

Friday, October 2, 2015

TRIPPING AND TRUNDLING

Tripping and trundling on down this cobblestone street with my piano following behind me. We doing a real funny walk and whistling and flipping coins and swinging our pocket watches and singing old songs with lots of back and forth between us. the cobblestones in this alley are so rough and ready they got piano keys flying off every now and then, but piano's so high and happy rolling in this sunshine he just don't care.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

I LIKE IT OUT HERE WHEN THE SUN GETS ALL SOFT

I like it out here when the sun gets all soft and the red terracotta things on the roof glow a little and the cheeping of the birds is inquisitive. They ask me, "Richie, do you want some corn on the cob? Is that what you want? We aren't going to go and get you any either way, but we are interested in what you want. You fascinate us." And I say, "I'm not surprised, Birds, I am pretty fascinating. What with my furry slippers and lolling about".

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

SHE HAD REAL TIGHT WHITE CAPRIS

She had real tight white capris and dad, her hips was swingin so much she had to stand in the middle of the road so those hips didn't knock down buildings on either side. She was strutting right down the middle of the street, cars slowing down and speeding up to slalom past just at the moment when her hips was swung them other ways. A couple didn't judge it quite right and got cleaned up, just sent flying.

Monday, September 28, 2015

GOLEN FLEECED GEESE

Golden fleeced geese fly through the sky with rain pelting down on them, it hit's them in the eye and hail cracks on their skulls and lighting threatens to burn their lovely feathers a crispy black but they persevere because they are tough geese and they have the secrets to the secret potion that will save us all inside them, they have memorised it in a special sequence of morse code quacks, each one has a piece of the puzzle inside their goosey brain.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

DRIFTING OVER THE TOP OF THESE MOUNTAINS

Drifting over the top of these mountains made of green emerald crystal rubies, I saw myself reflected and was shocked to finf that I had a great big viulture neck and a vulture, beak. of course, the rest of me was still a pig, or at least looked like a pig, but now that i was finally flying but part of me was a vulture would this mess up the bets people had about doing things when pigs fly?

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

SOME YEARS AGO I WAS A BIG BUSINESS TYCOON

Some years ago I was a big business tycoon and I was floating in a hot air balloon. I sudden;y decided I was tired of this life and I would rather be a bird, so I leapt out of the balloons basket and transformed into a robin. I enjoyed the feeling of flying, the hardness of the spines in my feather, the great sharpness of the vision in my beady eyes, and then swooped down toward Los Angeles to join the vocal group I had heard so much about.

Monday, September 21, 2015

GIGOLO AND GIGOLETTE

Gigolo and Gigolette each stumble through the fog, calling out to each other, but they can see nothing. They grab with their hands, finding fur coats and fence posts, stray dogs and lamp posts, hubcaps and full moons and werewolves, but never each other. It's tough being a gigolo with no gigolette to hold at the close of the night.

Friday, September 18, 2015

THE MAN ON THE RECORD TOLD ME

The man on the record told me that the price of everything was on a downturn and now was a good time to fall in love and have someone to cook my egg and bacon, but I like to cook my own and egg and bacon, and i look to cook my someone eggs and bacon too, hearing that sizzle and the bubble oh it's nice, and when i get all ready and tabascoed up and she's sitting in bed expectantly with her big eyes all moony, oh it's a morning joy

Thursday, September 10, 2015

COINS GO INTO A JUKEBOX

Coins go into a jukebox and they make a slippery metallic sound as they slip down into it's guts, and a wonderful pleasing shing ding sound as they are registered, and the jukebox is alight and ready to fulfil it's purpose. It makes a wonderful crunchy sound as the selection buttons get pushed in, and lovely whir as the records spin around to the selection. The robot arms grabs the 45 and with a wonderful thunk lays the record on the platter. Then another great but more electric thunk as the heavy tonearm brings the needle violently onto the record. And then the hiss of anticipation as it tracks along the run in groove, moving ever closer to the explosion of music. So many wonderful sounds before the record even starts.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

DOGS BARK AND BIRDS CHEEP AND PREHISTORIC SOUNDING BIRDS SQUAWK

Dogs bark and and birds cheep and prehistoric sounding birds squawk and cars drive by and sirens wail in the distance and trains go by and yet everything is perfect and serene and still and the flowers hang there all red and white and pink, swaying gently, and the parsley tenderly curls around the bottom of the barbecue and the old wooden chair leans inscrutably and I lay with my head on a weathered blue pillow breathing in and out.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

TRIPPING MY WAY DOWN THE MOUNTAIN

Tripping my way down the mountain I found that all the dew on the leaves make a nice reflecty shimmer, and if I could grab that shimmer with my eyes, I could wield it around like eye lasers. But not to cut anybody in half, just to spread bedazzlement all through the jungle. That was a nice thing to do, but the jungle is already plenty bedazzled. The trick would be to hang onto these sparkle streams with my eyes until I got back to the city, where I could give all the buildings and telephone poles and people and dogs and hot dog carts some much needed bedazzlement.

Friday, September 4, 2015

SLIPPERY HOOVES TRUNDLED OVER THE ROCKS

Slippery hooves trundled over the rocks, night covered their cowhides, escape tonight was the only option.  Light mist coated them. Every now and then Janie would look with her big doe eyes at Howard, though she could barely make him out in this light. Over the mountains they went, sweating, breathing heavily. By daybreak, they would be in Austria.

Monday, August 31, 2015

I PUT THE JUG TO MY LIPS AND DRUNK DEEPLY

I put the jug to my lips and drank deeply. As my throat bulged and subsided with each swallow, the snake kissed my neck tenderly. Every now and then it would bare it's fangs and scrape them along my skin sensually, but it would never bite. When I had drunk my fill, I took the snake by the head and kissed it full on the mouth, staring deep into it's reptile eyes. Oh, what a feeling.

Friday, August 28, 2015

ALL THE ATOMS INSIDE ME ARE SWIRLING AROUND ALL THE TIME

All the atoms inside me are swirling around all the time, so you would think that they would be used to spinning around and not getting dizzy, but when i see you approach, all the atoms spin much faster than usual and they get dizzy, and since I am made up of these atoms, I get dizzy, and then I fall to the ground. And you are always so kind and take me to the hospital and hold my hand and smile at me with your eyes. They are going to bring me hospital food soon, stay with me and lets eat it together. i have hot sauce in my pocket.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

IN A MOMENT I SHALL USE THE JAWBONE OF AN ASS

In a moment I shall use the jawbone of an ass to make percussive sounds the likes of which your ears have never heard, your brain will fizz and your teeth will tingle one at a time in a lovely tooth buzzing glissando effect, your stomach will drop and your eyes will sparkle, the joints in your knees will rotate 360 degrees and and your shins will hum, it will be like the opposite of being kicked in the shins, that is how your shins will feel when these vibrations have travelled through the air and hit your ear drums and been transmitted to your brain and then relayed to your shins

Sunday, August 16, 2015

ON THE ISLAND THERE ARE MANY COCONUTS

On the island there are many coconuts, and I use them for a variety of purposes, to make the clip clopping sound of horses for films, and also for other purposes also. but I do not eat them .I believe it's white meat to be devil meat, and it's sweet delicious juice, though delicious, is filled with insanifying active ingredients that get into the blood and make one act in a manner ill-fitting someone of my upper class breeding. I shall not taste it.

Friday, August 14, 2015

MY HEART PUMPS BLOOD INTO ALL MY APPENDAGES FOR THE PURPOSE OF DOING YOUR BIDDING

My heart pumps blood into all my appendages for the purpose of doing your bidding. If you need me to lift a truck from off of a burning child or to make you crepe suzette or to slap you hard in the face or to take out your garbage and separate the bottle and cans or to walk to a faraway land so I can recount to you the experience of doing so or to caress your flank tenderly or to write you poetry espousing my feelings for your wondrous humanity, this my appendages will do gladly with the blood my heart pumps into them.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

GREAT LOVELY STICKY BUNS

great lovely sticky buns, covered in cream, as far as the eye could see. sally romped among them, and soon there was jam all over her face and cream all over her dress and more jam on her white frilly socks and more cream on her black buckled shoes, and as she romped she gorged herself on these sweet sticky treats until she was bloated and straining and eventually she just had to lay amongst the mess, dazed and glassy eyed in squalor, but still all around her there were miles and miles of untouched gleaming sweet pastry goods.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

IF YOU CAN'T PICK TULIPS IN YOUR DREAMS

If you can't pick tulips in your dreams because you have no hands, just pick them with your mouth, you may even get some of that sweet pollen in your mouth and become engorged like a bee, honey spilling out of your pores and making you sticky and attractive to the opposite sex of many creatures. you may be chased down the highway by randy mooses and mouses and think twice next time you decide to have a dream with no hands.

Friday, August 7, 2015

GRIZZLY BEAR SAT BY THE EDGE OF THE RIVER

A grizzly bear sat by the edge of the river, staring at his reflection. Salmon swam by, looking at him real leery and ready to dart off at the first move, but he didn't even notice therm. It was strange sometimes to be bear. To be so large and hairy and cumbersome. He thought how he would like to be a bird, even just for a little while.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

SWEET BREEZES BLOW THROUGH PALM TREES

Sweet breezes blow through palm tress and ripple the water.Oone breeze smells like coconut. Another smells like lilac. Another smells like cardoman. They are completely separate breezes. You can even see a line between them if you squint close. I arrange my bamboo chair so I am getting hit square in the face by the cardoman breeze and stare at the red sunset and hope these fellows don't get tired of plying this lovely woozy music.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

I WROTE A LETTER TO MY GRANDMA THE OTHER DAY

I wrote a letter to my grandma the other  day. I said, "Granny, call me on the phone". So she calls me on the phone and says, "Are you fucking with me? Why didn't you just call me?" I said, "Granny, it's cause I don't got no credit but they let me send letters. I'm being held hostage in Pakistan, by a group of German nihilists funnily enough. Anyway, I was telling them about that orange chicken you used to make and they all started dribbling and now they want me to make it for them. So can you give me the recipe?"

Monday, August 3, 2015

I WAS STANDING OUTSIDE THE WINDOW

I was standing outside the window, hoping the couple would have some kind of domestic argument and one of them would throw their dinner out the window in a display of anger, and that some of the dinner would land in my mouth. I had no arms at the time, so I couldn't use them to catch any food. The likelihood of this domestic situation occurring just as I was standing there may seem like quite the off chance, dear reader, but I had observed this happening from this very window on a number of previous occasions.

Friday, July 31, 2015

I WAS IN MEXICO ATTEMPTING TO RECORD THE MUSIC OF THE NATIVE PEOPLES

I was in mexico attempting to record the music of the native peoples. What I found was that they really liked that song "don't you want me baby" by human league and were blaring it from every boombox and car and cantina in the land. So I set up my microphones to record these radio's, first from up close right by the speaker, then slowly going back ten metres at a time to capture the ambiance into which this music was broadcast. I did this everywhere I heard the song and presented my recordings to the university. They were not pleased.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

I FOUND HER PANTIES UNDER THE BED

I found her panties under the bed and her earrings on the bedside table and her coat on the hook and her belt in the corner and her car out the front and her bra on my chair and her book on my shelf and her hair clip in the bathroom and her mascara on the sink and I smiled when I found each of them.

Friday, July 24, 2015

I NEED A COUNTRY MAN

I need a country man. A man with a whole lot of energy. One who can pull a plow and milk a cow. And drag tractors around with his teeth. And pull giant tress out from the ground and use them as toothpicks to clean the tractor gunk out of his massive teeth. And use an old sewerage pipe as a straw to drain the lake to find my diamond ring I dropped in there. And dig great big holes big enough to hide the bodies of all the hobos I murder. That's the kind of man I need.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

A BLIP ON THE COMPUTER MONITOR

A blip on the computer monitor indicated that she was stalled in her boat in between Antarctica and a random giant block of ice. That's a tricky situation. I imagined her leaping into the freezing cold water, hear skin instantly covering in goosebumps, her nipples becoming erect. I really should have been thinking more about her plight and the problems she might face staying alive and how I could help, but when I think of her, my mind just trails off into these fantasies. What a beautiful alien creature she is.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

GET AWAY FLY

Get away fly, I can't stand you buzzing around my head, but I know if I swat you your compatriots will be duty bound to take revenge, and soon I will be completely surrounded by flies, so when I walk up to someone they will say, "what is that strange black buzzing mass coming towards me?" It will be very frightening and they will probably run away. This will make it very hard to buy a newspaper, let alone make time with a young lady.

Monday, July 20, 2015

LET ME TAKE YOU TO THE MOVIES, SHORTY

Let me take you to the movies, shorty. I'm sure later on you will be my baby. How am I so sure? Because I came here from the future, using a teleportation device that has since been destroyed. I can never go back. The only way is forward. But I know that in the future you too will be sent through the mists of time and in a shocking development, while you are now my date, in the future you will in fact be my child! They explained to me how this all works at some point but to be honest I was totally zoning out and didn't compute any of it. Not showing a great deal of perspicacity.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

THE GIRL'S ANFRACTUOUS VOICE TWISTED ALL AROUND ME

The girl's anfractuous voice twisted all around me, wrapping me in it's timbre like a cobra ready to squeeze the life out of me. Or is that a python? Shit, I'm not some snake motherfucker, I can't get this stuff right all the time. So anyway, her sweet mellifluous tones had me all wrapped up, lets say like a mummy this time, I was Tutankhamen and glad to be dead with my hands folded over my chest if it meant getting wrapped up by this honey's lovely vocal bandages.

Friday, July 17, 2015

DRINKING FROM CRYSTAL STREAMS

Drinking from crystal streams, I am bent over and the crystals fill me up. They convince all the other cells in my body to turn into crystals and now I am The Man Made Of Crystals. As I walk through the countryside, all the beavers and other rodents see the light twinkling through me and get an extra little twinkle in their eye, and as they build dams and eat trees and dig holes, they do it with an extra sense of joie de vivre. I'm glad I can do my part. I hope when I reach the city that my sight will enliven and enlighten the humans, and they will not set upon me and tear me apart and sell my crystal body parts one at a time.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

GREAT MOUNDS OF CLAY ALL OVER

Great mounds of clay all over, let's smoosh them together, sexy Ghost style, I'll get behind you and we can spin them on the pottery wheel together, or fuck that, let's just throw them on the ground and smoosh them between our naked toes as we embrace. Then you can throw me to the ground and we can make mad passionate fuck, grinding ourselves into the clay until it's smooshed all over us and we are frozen forever in some particularly lurid moment of coitus, ancient pornography for the Martians to ponder in a million years.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

I WAS HANGING OUT WITH THE BOYS IN MIAMI

I was hanging out with the boys in Miami, we had some great pastel sweaters on, nice trousers, Lars had his soul patch trimmed just right. We were looking fly as hell, busting some sweet unison dance moves. I was playing a little Spanish guitar. All of a sudden my beautiful girlfriend who never speaks, she got up and walked off down the beach. I called out to her, "where do you go, my lovely? where do you go?" She turned and I thought she may speak for the first time, but suddenly a shark leaped out of the water and ate her whole. Chomp.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

THERE WAS A RAT

There was a rat who became a rich maharaja over in those eastern lands, he had a bejewelled turban and women-servants with the chemise face-veil laying on silk pillows and all that jazz, but still he missed his home in Nagambie where the blond princess would chase him around the house and he could eat all the green scrubbing sponges his heart desired. It was a simpler life and cold as hell, but he felt the warmth from heart of the blond princess that made his ratty eyes glow red. Over here, in all this luxury, nobody really cared enough to chase him around and his eyes were beady and black and dead.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

I MINITATURIZED MYSELF USING THE TOASTER

I miniaturized myself using the toaster with the cord wrapped around the kettle and some UV lights. The dimensions weren't quite right, but I got small enough to get myself down the drain. Sliding all through the pipes was pretty gross but I hadda get that wedding ring by hook or by crook. Preferably by crook. The thing was, I found the ring but I slid right through it and ended up in a strange watery place where there were freaky cult happenings afoot, rats with hoods holding flaming sticks chanting in low voices (low as a fuckin rat can go anyway).

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

FACING THE WIND

Facing the wind, my nose frosted up and got frostbite. The wind bit it off, chunk by chunk. Then it bit off my cheeks and my lips and my eyebrows and large chunks of my forehead. But my baby loves me so that when she saw she said "c'mere" and pashed me long and hard. All the folks standing around began to vomit at the sight of such a disfigured man being pashed so, my tongue poking out from the lipless teeth and waggling about in her mouth. I would have kindly asked them to take their vomiting elsewhere as the smell was interrupting my amor, but I was too busy kissing.

Monday, July 6, 2015

DRIPPING FROM HER FINGERS

Dripping from her fingers and into the cracks between the piano keys, the dark purple feelings slid inside it and coated the hammers and the strings, getting them sticky and gooey and covered in dark plasmatic erogenous throbbing phantasmosity. Now whenever another played this piano, no matter how bright and sprightly the melody, it hung with an air of slow, lugubrious torment.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

DRAMBUIE DRIPPED OFF MY LIPS

Drambuie dripped off my lips, in the shower. I could feel the hot water droplets penetrating right through my skull. It was meeting up with the drambuie droplets and swilling all around inside my head, pickling my brain and making it feel warm and nice. Give it 20 days and my brain will be so tasty, you'll be able to just pluck it out and pop it on a plate with some some blue cheese and some champignons and some prosciutto and your guests will be wowed like wow. And I will be standing there brainless in the shower with my skull cavity overflowing with hot water and drambuie still dripping from my lips.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

I CAN'T HANDLE YOUR MAN SCENT

I can't handle your man scent, sent through the air to ruin my life. It floats over the poplar trees, under a dog that tries to bite it as it goes past, through a nail salon, curving up and under the ladies nails, doing a little twirl around each woman, and each is aware of a presence, but the scent is not meant for them. When it finally reaches my nostril, my legs collapse and I lay there dribbling on the sidewalk, knowing I am ruined.

Friday, July 3, 2015

PLUMP AND JUICY BUTTOCKS DANGLING FROM THE BUTTOCK TREE

Plump and juicy buttocks dangling from the buttock tree. As the sun shines into my eyes, i fondle a particularly nice pair. They could be taken down and put on the mantle to eventually rot and stink up the place, they could be eaten, they could be used for salacious purposes, but hanging from the tree here, on this mountain in the andes, they are at their most ripe and beautiful.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

THE GARBAGE MAN CAME IN MY FRONT DOOR

The garbage man came in my front door and threw garbage down the hall. "I'm tired of picking up your garbage, you fuck. You got the worst, stinkiest garbage in the whole neighbourhood". Then he went and collected next door's garbage and threw that into my hallway. By 11am, every room in the house was waist deep in garbage. I cowered on top of the kitchen bench, considering my options. At least the mice were happy now. So many scraps to eat.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

I FELT MYSELF PULLED INTO THE BLACK HOLE

I felt myself pulled into the black hole. It was an erotic womb that would cradle me and as it tore me apart. It reminded me of other erotic things in life that cradle you as they tear you apart. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Friday, June 26, 2015

I'LL BE WITH YOU IN APPLE BLOSSOM TIME

I'll be with you in apple blossom time, under the tree. We will climb it and it's branches will twist around us as we embrace. We will be covered in apple blossoms as we kiss and eventually it will cut off our oxygen and we will die. And in the winter time when the blossoms have fallen and the tree is bare, we will be on display, pressed up against each other, cradled by the branches, until we are covered again in the next apple blossom time.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

TROMBONES FELL FROM THE SKY

Trombones fell from the sky and landed on the heads of every human in unison. Everybody looked hilarious with a trombone stuck on their head, but nobody could see how hilarious everybody else looked because they all had trombones stuck on their heads, covering their eyes. People bumped into each other and heard the clanging of trombones stuck together, and eventually people started bending other people over and playing their trombones. The heads stuck in them made quite a mute, but you could still get a pretty good sound going on.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

TWIRLY SWIRLING SNAKES

Twirly swirling snakes shot across the room, dipping up and down as they went in a wavy movement that was pleasing to my eyeballs. I had to huddle down in the bed, warm and toasty like, to make sure I was not splackacked by one of these flying snakes that jettisoned all around the place. They seemed as if floating in liquid, but they were free levitating on the air above me. Had my atmosphere been thickened like cream? Was it sour cream? Fighting my way out of a room full of sour cream would be an utmost challenge.

Friday, June 19, 2015

DOWN ON THE FARM THERE ARE CHICKENS AND GOATS AND CATTLE ANIMALS

Down on the farm there are chickens and goats and cattle animals all looking left and right and acting real shifty like. And then when the peoples ain't looking, they all sidle on into the barn. They get out cigars and cognac and have themselves a little bonfire and bitch about the people and plot to overthrow them and kill them all. "Couldn't we just kick them off the farm and not kill them?" asked a doe-eyed cow. "Ha!" laughed Mr Chicken derisively, "You can't have a revolution without killing people." The other animals laughed and snorted, and the cow slunk away sadly. She went out behind the barn and, as the strings swelled, she sang "Someday" from West Side Story. or "Somewhere". Or whatever it is.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

DOWN THE BOTTOM OF THE GARDEN THERE IS A SECRET PARADISE MADE FOR TWO

Down the bottom of the garden there is a secret paradise made for two. I will tie you up with poison ivy and it will itch you so good. I will find a leaf with just the right texture and run it underneath your breasts. I will blindfold you and kiss you and we will hear the sounds of the little babbling brook and it will be magical. When night comes we will curl up beneath the big oak tree and all the furry animals of the forest will come get on top of us and make a living blanket.

Monday, June 15, 2015

TRANQUIL TRANQUILIZER DARTS PIERCED MY NECK AND BUTTOCKS

Tranquil tranquillizer darts pierced my neck and buttocks. I felt the toxins ease into my bloodstream, a lover with a slow hand. I could feel it in my eyeballs first, a nice numbing around the back and some water out the sides. Then my knees collapsed and I slid smiling into the grass. Being on the run had been so stressful. Now all there was to do was relax and and let the terror take it's course.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

THE OLD ITALIAN LADY

The old Italian lady cooked rustic bread over an open fire. Soon the children would be coming to visit the village, and she would feed them this bread with broken glass baked into it. When she saw the children wince in pain and confusion as the glass dug into the inside of their mouths, her heart would leap. She had tried to get her kicks like most grandmothers did, by being kind and loving to children, but it left her feeling cold and empty and despicable. It was only when she was hurting them, and doing it an underhanded way such as this, that she felt truly alive, zinging with purpose. Perhaps children just had too good a time of it, and this was a balancing out of the universe, and this sweet, hot, dizzying feeling was her reward.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

OH WHAT A CAD HE WAS

Oh what a cad he was, a right bounder I must say, tip toeing all down the high street at all hours of the evening, darting behind phone boxes and whispering in ladies ears and absconding immediately and proposing marriage to duchesses and boarding tramp steamers to India and smelling all the wonderful spices and wondering what ghastly nefarious activities he could get up to next, caring not for the innocent flower petals he was trampling in his wake, oh the horror of it all

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

UNDERNEATH THE FLOORBOARDS

Underneath the floorboards in my house there is so much pirate gold that if I got at it all my financial worries would be over forever. But if I tore up the floorboards I'd lose my bond. I know what you thinking, so pay for it with the freakin' pirate gold, but I just got a mental block here, I can't do something that's gonna make me lose my bond. Sure, I been destroying the damn wall bit by bit through this chair smacking against it while I'm fucking, but things done while fucking, that's a special clause in my brain you know, I'll let anything slide when I'm in that state. Jeez it makes my mind fizz though, thinking about all that pirate gold, rubies as big your head, doubloons from all over spanish land and all the spanish territories. Boy howdy.

Monday, June 8, 2015

I WAS ALREADY PREPARING TO LEAP

I was already preparing to leap out of the plane, but suddenly Harold flung a pork chop at my head, knocking me sideways with an almighty splat and right out the door into free-fall. I could barely contain my rage at this act of moral pulchritude. How dare he ruin my first sky diving experience. I would somehow conspire to erase every tape of Neighbours in existence, destroying his legacy, that would do it. As I fumed and plotted, an angel came flapping up next to me, white wings, cherubic bottom and all, and whispered, "That's not enough. You have to kill him. You have to kill his family and burn his house to the ground."

Thursday, June 4, 2015

I FOUND MYSELF STARING AGOG

I found myself staring agog at this sexual colossus. His heady musk, his ragged locks, his golden chains, his proud buttocks, his wayfaring stranger stance, it all added up to short circuit my regulated mind. I knew at once I must not talk, but listen, to this travelling stranger. He would reveal to me strange, sensual worlds that were hitherto hidden from view. Things that existed perhaps only metres away from my usual routine, but in a whole 'nother world.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

SHE TOUCHED THE HEM OF HIS GARMENT

She touched the hem of his garment, hoping she would be made whole. Even better, she became a real hep old lady, she suddenly had a zoot suit wrapped around her body, a wide brimmed hat and a watch chain , and boooooy, she was struttin' on down the streets of Jerusalem. This real hep combo was wheeling along beside her on a cart, double bass, bootin' sax, the whole thing. She found herself saying things like "daddy-o" and "squares beware" and didn't know what to make of it. These developments were exciting but extremely frightening too. Such a rapid personality shift threatened to send her into some kind of coma or permanent psychosis.

Monday, June 1, 2015

DREAMY PUFFY CLOUDS

Dreamy puffy clouds make me feel so bouant, when I am laying on one, looking down at the world at night all twinkly and alive, I know I am safe and warm and buffetted from all danger and nefarious activities. It's all just a lovely haze. If I want to, I can take the cloud wherever I want. "To Amsterdam", I say, and the cloud whooshes over there, and I find a beanstalk to climb down and then I wander around the streets for a while, taking in the spicy smells and laughing in amusement at the brusqueness of my fellow humans before returning to the safety of my cloud

Friday, May 29, 2015

THE COFFEE DRIPS INTO THE POT

The coffee drips into the pot. It is so strong that it burns through the bottom of the pot like acid, burns through the floor and into the basement. And I am laying there in the basement with my mouth open, ready to drink it in. When I have drunk my fill, my eyes expand and I levitate. I float up the stairs and out the door and along my street, red lasers shooting out of my eyes, burning my enemies horribly. I have to watch out for power lines.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

TRANSUBSTANTIATION IS SO FUCKING HOT

Transubstantiation is so fucking hot. When I line up in front of the man in the hat to get my wafer and and drink the wine out of that chalice, knowing it REALLY is the flesh and blood of Jesus himself, eternal mega-celebrity heartthrob, that I'm devouring and supping on him, THE REAL GUY, in public, surrounded by all these people, oh god that's sweet perversion.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

MY WHOLE BODY WAS DIPPED

My whole body was dipped in egg and rolled in bread crumbs. I had been crumbed. Surely, I thought, this was leading to me bring fried. But all of a sudden the giant kitchen was empty, the door wide open to freedom. Was it a trick? Surely no greater horror could await me through that door than the searing pan burning these breadcrumbs into my tender thighs.

Monday, May 25, 2015

THERE IS A STORM

There is storm. It is making the water into waves. The waves are crashing against a boat. I am in the boat. I fear for my life. I have never been in the midst of such fury, and I do not want to die. I have smelled and tasted many things, but I wish to smell and taste many things more. And many of the exquisite things I have smelled and tasted before, I wish to smell and taste them again. I cling tight to this railing and hope that today will not be the day of my death.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

BAREFACED INTRANSIGENCE

Barefaced intransigence by cretinous goons intent on destroying the fibrous moral fibres that we have built up through our daily easting of bran flakes through the ages, from the times of battling with short armed dinosaurs to our battles with robotic wives whose cannon arms endanger our every waking hour, must be obliterated.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

BOILING CAULDRONS OVERFLOWING

Boiling cauldrons overflowing, great crashing cymbals, mice scattering everyone. terror struck faces, armour covered giants striding purposefully through town, eagles circling overhead, a storm coming, impending doom, the army marching over the hillside, the gods getting angry, plots hatching, wicked winds a coming, raggedy carts coming down the road with them

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

MEDIUM TO HIGH SEXINESS LEVELS

"I always aim for medium to high sexiness levels", I proudly told the doctor. He frowned at me gravely. "I'm not sure how to tell you this, Sir, but your sexiness levels are through the floor. I've never seen such dangerously low levels of sexy". I just about fell of my chair. "But i've been using herbal essences bodywash every day, to keep myself smelling good for the women. How can this be?"
"I'm sorry, sir", said the doctor, "you just seem to be essentially stank and funky".

Monday, May 11, 2015

DUNDERHEADED LAND WITCHES

Dunderheaded land witches with brains oozing out of their ears should put a cork in their ears to stop up the brain leakage. If they are already dunderheaded, all that brains what they have is so precious they really got to keep as much as they can. Of course, plugging up your ears makes it hard to hear and it's dangerous to ride a broomstick through the air late at night with no hearing. Could get into an accident. But having no brains could get you in an accident too. You gotta weigh those things up.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

THE TWELVE SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC

The twelve signs of the zodiac are as follows:
the freaky monkey that ate all the peanuts
the moon in the shape of a pomegrante
the tamarin seed that harbours the sexual power of omar sharifs moustache
the moustache that is full of crumbs but they are crumbs of such quality that they must be collected
the collected works of edgar allan poe blended up with some kale into a smoothie
a smooth talking hustler named MORRIS DAY
A day and night pill that comes to life and runs rampant then goes to sleep mid rampage
A ram whose horns is so twisty you get hypnotized by them and don't realize he has eaten all your grass
a grassy knoll that holds secrets
how many is that?
A victoria's secret catalogue that masturbates while watching you sleep
A sleeping polar that kills any who dare to wake it
a waking dream that that has a light around it
that's them
that's the 12 signs of the zodiac

Saturday, May 9, 2015

SCIENCE IS SWIRLING ALL AROUND ME

Science is swirling all around me. In between my toes and in between my hairs and in between all my atoms and slipping out through tiny cracks in the walls and flying out into the night and riding on the wind and getting all up under the birds feathers and touching it's spines and dipping up toward the moon and slipping back into my bedroom while I sleep and humming all round me.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

DRUMSTICKS

Drumsticks. Chicken drumsticks. Playing drums with chicken drumsticks. It gets the drums all greasy. And it only makes a real dull thocking sound. But if you hungry, you can chew on some chicken between beats. And then the sticks get more bony and it changes the sound. So each bite give you a different sound to play with throughout the song. Maybe you wanna take a big old bite just before the breakdown to get a real bony rickey tick sound. I dunno what you vegetarian drummers gonna do. I guess you gonna have to have a chicken biter on standby to bite the chicken to your specifications at any moment.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

TELL OLD PHARAOH TO LET MY PEOPLE GO

"Tell old Pharaoh to let my people go"
"He's so old he can't hear it"
"Well turn up his hearing aid"
"He don't have no hearing aid no more, he dropped it in the toilet"
"Well write it down on a piece of paper for him"
"He can't read"
"Well draw a picture that'll give him the gist"
"He doesn't really do good at interpreting pictures"
"He's a fuckin egyptian! with all those heiroglyphics you telling me he can't interpret pictures?"
"He's a Pharaoh you know, they're all inbred, he has a hard time with a lot of things"
"Aw geez. We'll i'm just taking these goddamn people, to hell with him!"

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

I CRADLED THEM ALL IN THE PALM OF MY HAND

I cradled them all in the palm of my hand. All the women and men and animals and houses and tress and records and meals I had loved in my life. I petted them gently with my finger and kept repeating to myself, "remember they are there. Don't get absent minded and forget they are there and crush them or drop them down a storm drain." I didn't have to carry them far, only to the shops to buy some milk and back. But I still didn't quite feel up to it.

Monday, May 4, 2015

I SUMMONED ALL MY MANLINESS

I summoned all my manliness and attempted to chop these hunks of wood. After 20 minutes of sweating, the wood started to feel sorry for me and it chopped itself. Each hunk would throw itself onto the axe to chuck of some little splinters of kindling that were good for arms, then chop away, throwing the axe in the air and getting underneath for the last chop. I felt somewhat emasculated, but I am a very lazy man, so I was most pleased with this outcome.

Friday, May 1, 2015

MOUNTAINS OF TRASH IN THE DISTANCE

Mountains of trash in the distance. Sweet, beautiful trash. Orange peels, apple cores, packages that used to hold toothbrushes and tampons and those Japanese sticks covered in chocolate. All that booty just waiting to be looted, rifled through, POSSESSED. But I have no wheels and those piles are just a misty mirage in the distance. I let me eyes cross and try to will some of the garbage to float through the air and toward me. I feel like it's kind of working, but I don't get no garbage.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

GOOPY SUBSTANCES ALL UP IN MY HEAD

Goopy substances all up in head, they drizzle out of my ears and nose and fill the room and slip under the door and out into the kitchen. They start building upwards like the T1000 and form a man. I shout to him, "goopy man, make me some ham and eggs!" He wants to tell me that a please would be nice, but his goopy form does not support speech, so he signals it to me through vibrations sent back through the goop directly into my brain. I am suitably chastened.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

WHEN A WOMAN TOUCHES YOUR LEG IN A TENDER FASHION

When a woman touches your leg in a tender fashion, you can forget that you are in the middle of the jungle, sweaty and covered in leeches and leprosy with a tiger gnawing on your foot. you forget about the vines and the jungle canopy and the long grass and the lagoon and the monkey's fangs. All your focus is on the feeling and your hairs all standing on end like officers of the Russian army, taut and at attention.

Monday, April 27, 2015

TWENTY SIX HOURS OF CONTINUOUS PLEASURE

Twenty six hours of continuous pleasure is surprisingly easy to get through. All that constant kissing and petting and fucking and eating and bathing and kissing and listening and watching and petting and eating and fucking and dessert seems like it might tire you out, and then throw in some talking and reading and feeling too, goodness it's enough to make you want to retire and give this pleasure job over to someone more hardy. But it's really not that bad.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

I PUT ON MY WIGHAT

I put on my wighat and my high heel sneakers and sallied forth into the evening. The air with crisp, with a hint of pine needles, and I felt like I could take over the world, or at least a small tropical island with a restless population and a crumbling dictatorship. I would wear a garland of bananas around my neck and rule with a firm but just hand. Perhaps I would be visited by an Arab prince on a diplomatic mission, and he would seduce me with his eyes and his moustache. And I would say, "I want you to know, Omar, that you are a wonderful lover, but this will not change my feelings on the trade pact."

Friday, April 24, 2015

NOW LISTEN HERE YOU CRUMB BUMS

Now listen here you  crumb bums, I've worked too long and hard building this giant living yacht for you to fuck it up. Just pull your pulleys and levers at the right time and when I say starboard and other nautical terms like that, I expect you to know what they mean, and even if I am using them incorrectly I expect you to deduce the proper meaning and know what needs to be done to sail us around the horn of good cape safely. I'll be up on the bow wearing a cape and blowing a horn and having the horn, don't get too close to me because I may explode. And make sure you eat plenty of vegetables to prevent scurvy.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN IS DIFFICULT

Climbing a mountain is difficult. You need these special spiky boots which aren't really all that hot looking, and it's cold and your ears get cold and there's all these bugs flying into your moth and you see skeletons of other people that died on the way and that's a real bummer. At least I imagine this is the case. I mostly lay on the red couch (it's actually blue but I still call it the red couch because it reminds me of another porch couch that actually was red) and wiggle my toes and listen to the birds and the insects and dream my little dreams. Maybe the mountain climbers would like to to try this some day. But I'm not swapping. They will have to find their own couch.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

WHEN I WAS A RACE CAR DRIVER

When I was a race car driver, I used to keep a pumpkin on the seat next to me. It's heaviness and steadiness and purple orange rich insideness was always a comfort to me. But then it started to speak. It grew a mouth that was always fixed in a cruel grimace, and beady little eyes. It taunted me with all my most intimate doubts and fears. I almost crashed several times punching it and screaming for it to shut up. I sure liked the damn thing better when it was inanimate. But superstition stopped me from simply throwing it out.

Friday, April 17, 2015

LITTLE CHICKENS

Little chickens walk over the place. They are looking for grain but there is no grain. They get angry and start to bok in a harsh, guttaral tone that makes by blood curdle. I can see where this is going and slip out the window quietly. I know I should tell the others, try to warn them to get out, but my instant instinct for self preservation is too high. I put my headphones on and power walk down the street. I don't want to hear those boks and screams, I just don't wanna hear it.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

BLOOD TRANSFUSION

I got in a car wreck and I was laying in the back of the ambulance getting a blood transfusion. And the blood felt real good going into me, sweet life giving blood. What could be better. I was laying back just feeling  it pump into, the waves of pleasure making me breathe heavy. Then I felt something change, the sensation was different. the fluid felt more viscous and tingly. I looked over and it was now chocolate mouse getting pumped straight into my veins. At first this was a little alarming, but it felt so good and sweet and creamy I didn't want it to stop. "Yo, EMT", I hollered, "crush some cookies up into that shit."

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

ACCIDENTALLY WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS

pRANCING THROUGH THE FOREST IN HIS POINTY SHOES AND TIGHTS, BELLS JINGLING ALL THE WAY, THE PRINCE TWIDDLED HIS MOUSTACHE AND DID A LITTLE HOP IN THE AIR, TOUCHING HIS FEET TOGETHER AND REVELING IN THE JOY OF BEING ALONE IN THE FOREST WITHOUT HIS BODYGUARDS, COURTESANS AND WET NURSES. oH, SUCH FREEDOM HE HAD CRAVED FOR THE LONGEST. hE SAW A LARGE GRIZZLY BEAR AND GAVE IT A WINK. "hELLO THERE, mISTER bEAR", HE SAID, AND WENT TO SHAKE IT'S HAND.


Monday, April 13, 2015

I WANT A LASAGNA

JULIE: "I want a lasagna"
RICHIE: "What kind of lasagna you want?"
JULIE: "I want a brang lasagna"
RICHIE: "What is a brang lasgna?"
JULIE: "It's a lasagna that you didn't have to make, somebody just brang it to you"
RICHIE: "I see. Do you want some chinese ribs too?"
JULIE: "What are chinese ribs?"
RICHIE: "You've never heard of chinese ribs? These are chinese ribs!"

Richie proceeds to elbow Julie in the ribs, breaking several.

JULIE: "Damnit, man, that gag only works with Chinese people, You need to make an adjustment and call them Iraqi ribs if you going to do that to me again. But don't do that to me again."

Friday, April 10, 2015

UNDER THE STARS

Under the stars, hanging just under them in a little sling, is a star baby that suckles on the teat of the stars. Each star has a star baby. They are forever twinkling, and it is hard to make out what they really look like, but when they make that googly goo goo noise, you know it is a baby your are dealing with. A star baby. One day these babies will inflate in a hideous fashion to become full blown stars. It will look as if their baby heads are about to explode and you will turn away in horror, but at the last minute everything will expand to its necessary proportions.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

"I CAN DANCE WITH MY DRINK IN MY HAND"

"I can dance with my drink in my hand", she said insouciantly, and continued to do just that. As she twisted and turned in wild abandon, cognac spilled all over my white shag pile rug. As the flames in the fireplace licked out, I could tell this night was going to end in fire and blood and tragedy. Accepting this fate, I sat back in my armchair and lit a cigar and enjoyed this present vision.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

GOD IS DOING A NEW THING

God is doing a new thing, He's doing a new thing. God is doing a new thing through Jesus Christ. God's using this music and he's coming strong, Michael Clancy yo singing this song, to make you think more about men who are turned inexplicably into piles of bananas. About schoolgirls who are eaten by pianos. About evil white cats with flashing green eyes that cause mischief and mayhem. About decapitated heads that emerge from wells and bite ladies on the buttocks. About loneliness.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

I HAVE BEEN SICK

I have been sick. My apologies for not writing for this last few days. I assume you all went so mad with worry, frustration and boredom that you cracked your heads open with a dessert spoon and scooped the brains right out, shovelling them into your mouth with the last remaining motor faculty you had available, but cruelly unable to taste once they reached your tongue. So there you were, slumped on the breakfast table, spoon and brains hanging out of your mouth, dying an ignoble death, and it's all my fault. And I suppose that now all you readers are dead, this entry is only for my amusement. What shall I write about then? Gobbledegook I suppose. La la la, I was skipping through the grass one day, great purple tentacles emerged from the dirt and rubbed my nipples. It felt awful fancy like and I grinned and showed my fangs. As butterflies fluttered by I bit them, tearing great chunks of wing off and letting it dissolve on my tongue like a communion wafer. Oh my, what an innocent, tender, ineluctable taste it was.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

ON A BENCH IN THE CITY

On a bench in the city, you can close your eyes and take in all the sounds around you, the rattling trams and the scuffling feet and the conversations nearby and the lethal weapon blues rock guitar solo the young asian hotshot is playing and the birds cooing and cheeping. Or sometimes you can sit on that same bench and kiss a young lady and all those things disappear. You are enveloped in a shroud of black and a cone of silence and all you can feel is the moistness of her lips and the beating of your heart. But the city does not like you to have these moments and will soon send a drunk person to upset your apple-cart, post haste.

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

I WILL OPEN THE DOOR AND LET YOU IN

I will open the door and let you in. Step over the threshold and make yourself at home. Enjoy yourself in every way. Let your eyes trace over the ripples in the paintings, feel the texture as you would with your fingers. Recline and and enjoy the soothing music playing, the deep golden sounds of the trumpet. It plays for thee. I will feed you and entertain you and do my best to make your stay in this place a magical time that will continue to hum inside you long after you leave.

"DMITRI", SAID STALIN "I WANT TO KISS YOU ON YOUR MOUTH"

"Dmitri", said Stalin, "I want to kiss your on your mouth. Long and tender. Would you like that?" Shostakovitch stood there and made an involuntarily high pitched keening sound, the kind one makes when in an uncomfortable situation, as immortalized by the middle daughter in the hamburger cartoon program. He knew rejecting the titan Joseph Stalin was a risky business and he was already in some hot water over the content of his symphonies and ballets, but golly gosh darn it, he reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaally did not want to kiss Stalin. That moustache. Ugh.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

I WOKE TO FIND MYSELF IN AN OLIVE GARDEN

I woke to find myself in an olive garden. Not the american restaurant where one can take the family for a cheap and cheerful brunch, but an actual garden filled with olive trees. I pulled an olive off and attempted to eat it , but it's taste was most foul. Whatever it is they do to to olives before I buy them at the delicatessen, it sure makes them taste a lot better. I could see nothing but these olive trees, so I climbed one and tried to stand on it's highest bough to get a better view of the land. The bough snapped as soon as I stepped on it and I went tumbling down, fresh olives slapping me in the face as I went.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

WHEN I EAT THIS STEAK, IT WILL BE FOREVER

When I eat this steak, it will be forever. Time will slow down to an immeasurable crawl and loop like one of those videos of Arnold Schwarzenegger biting a carrot. We will be joined, me and the steak, by my pink tongue and all it's capillaries, alert and at attention, feeling the blood and the flesh and the mustard pressing down onto them. My eyes will roll back and stay there. It will be the moment of glory, truth, reckoning, and all that shit.

Friday, March 27, 2015

COSMIC RAYS

Cosmic rays that have floated through space ever so slowly, building up speed as they enter our atmosphere, are penetrating me at this moment. At the point where they hit my skin, they split off into multiple fragments, some shimmer along the surface, bump bumpy riding over the pores and the hairs and the nipples, some go just under the skin and ride along the veins, silent like a submarine, and some penetrate deep into my gooey insides, setting off a chain reaction that fills my whole meaty self with glowing cosmic sching.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

CHRISTMAS WITH SATAN

Christmas with Satan is such a delightful time. He puts aside all his evildoing and just takes some time to enjoy his friends and eat pineapple and make eggnog. By god, he goes nog crazy. He likes to make a very traditional batch and then a whole heap of others with different spices and little bits of fancy liqueurs. By the time you've tasted them all you're in a deep noggy coma, face down and dribbling on Satan's shag pile carpet with Satan's cat pawing at your face.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

MY SAGGING BRAINS

My sagging brains, they droop down until I am stepping on them. They squish between my toes and it is kind of sensual but really disgusting. It also affects my power to step off them or try to get them back up into my skull somehow, so instead my foot just jerks spasmodically and squishes them more. This is quite a situation. I am going to try my best to just stand still and if someone can come along and push my brains back up where they belong and maybe tie them up with a rubber band, that would be great.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

OINTMENTS AND UNGUENTS

Ointments and unguents were smeared all over my body, pills and potions poured down my throat. Many a formula were injected into my bloodstream. But still I was not right. They isolated me in a special room where, under dim light, I listed to records and drank rum and stroked and played with my hair and blew bubbles and occasionally had a hot bath. This seemed to be helping, but they would have to keep me here a while to make sure.

Monday, March 23, 2015

ALL THE BITTER-SWEET DARK HONEY IN MY HEART

All the bitter-sweet dark honey in my heart is oozing out of my pores, coating me, coating the floor, spreading out all through the neighbourhood. I walk slow. I walk sticky. I talk slow. I talk sticky. It is like a fog, but a fog you can swipe at, hide in. This bitter-sweet honey forces one into a slow, measured throb of feeling. It is time to walk around slowly and get used to it.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

THE INFLATED TEAR

The inflated tear hovers precariously over the earth. It shudders like the stomach of a pregnant lady. It gleams in the light. Everybody goes about their business, but looks up every now and then nervously. Inevitably, and soon, it will burst and flood the world, and all who it touches will sob uncontrollably and add to it. There will be a great period of crying all over the earth. The people know this, but still in their hearts they are unprepared.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

IT SEEMED, FOR A MOMENT, AS IF HEAVEN HAD FALLEN TO EARTH IN THE FORM OF PARSLEY

It seemed, for a moment, as if heaven had fallen to earth in the form of parsley. It was everywhere, rich and full and pillowy. I could leap up onto it and be buoyed like an angel on a cloud, but I could also permeate and travel around in the undergrowth. I picked great handfulls and stuffed it into my my mouth. I brushed my face against it like a cat. Oh, parsley.

Friday, March 20, 2015

I CAN SEE THROUGH WALLS

I can see through walls. I see the fig tree in the back yard with it's over ripe fruit oozing viscous juice which drops in a sticky, sensual splash. I can see the neighbours next door cooking and reading the paper and seething at each other. I can see Jorge in his bedroom, laying on the bed in his monk robe and groaning and rubbing his head. I can see all the way across town and through many walls to where a lady lies on a pink couch in the dappled sunlight. She is reading and Marvin Gaye is playing through the fly screen and she is smiling quietly.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

WINDSWEPT MOORS HAVE NO LAWS

Windswept moors have no laws. You wander alone and search for a bone. You give it a chew but then it chews you. You recoil in horror, and hope for a better tomorr'a. You continue to wander, but end up a lonely despondent desponder. You think this may be terrible grammar, but you take your dictionary out and smash it with a hammer. The crows circle around, and you hear that french horn sound. The light it seems to be fading, you step into the water but there will be no wading.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

BLEATING CROWS AND RUSTY GATES AND TREES STRETCHING

Bleating crows and rusty gates and trees stretching, they make a mini symphony here in my yard. But who is the conductor? Am I making it all happen with deep parts of my brain I cannot consciously access? Is it GOD? Is it YOU? If it's you, you really ought to put a bit more thought into your symphonies. The sounds are pretty cool but the arrangement is really all a bit random and nowhere. You ain't gonna end up in the pantheon of immortals any time soon at this rate.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

MY BRAIN IS COVERED WITH ANTS AND SNAKES AND WEEVILS

My brain is covered with ants and snakes and weevils. They don't want to hurt me, they just want to walk and slither and crawl and dance around there and have a good time. But it is making my brain frazzled and I wish they would just chill out and have a siesta or even better still, just crawl on out of my ears and give me a rest altogether. I know the inside of my head is a groovy spot and you guys wanna hang there, but sometimes I just need it all to myself.

Monday, March 16, 2015

LONGING

Longing. It goes deep down into the ocean where fish no one has ever seen bob along with lights on their head. They feel the longing trickle down onto them, but they've felt so much before, it's just like a fly in summer. They just brush it off. I long to feel the phantasmic current of connection, the purple glow that reaches around fences and through the leaves of trees and dodges dogs and cats and cars and hits it mark. I shoot it out from my heart but it fizzles in mid-air and evaporates.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

CRUNCHY PLANTAINS

Crunchy plantains had been fried up in an aeronautical space vat till they were crispy good with perfection and zen subtlety. I bit into it and could feel my very DNA changing. It was a superfood, I was now a superman. But with these powers would come grave responsibility. I walked out of the restaurant and clobbered a bag snatcher. I stared up at the full moon.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

I FELT LIKE CRYING WITH JOY

I felt like crying with joy. All the women I love, well not all of them, but a whole lot of them were all in a magical place being strong and radiant and amazing and giving me a hug and around every corner and in every room there were more of them. I felt as if I might float up to the ceiling. It was like I was in the magical theatre from Steppenwolf, but it was really happening here in my mortal, fleshy, human life. Oh what joy it is to be alive.

TRUNCHEON BEAT DOWN ON THE MAN'S HEAD

truncheon beat down on the man's head. the man's head split open like cantaloupe and the goop and brain juices spill all over truncheon beating man's black glove. he call his doberman over and doberman hungrily eat up the brain juice. truncheon man is disgusted at dog's brain juice hunger. slaps dog. dog takes offence and mauls man, biting him right through his rubber costume and piercing his pitiful human flesh. doberman taste blood and shakes all over.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

IN DREAMS I STAND BY A HOTDOG STAND

In dreams I stand by a hotdog stand, so lonely and blue under a blue blue moon, tears dripping down onto my hotdog making the bun soggy, grease dripping down onto my hand making my hand greasy. mustard dripping down onto my shoe, making my shoe saucy. I am paralysed with hurt and can't move. If a car comes careening out of control towards me, will the will to self preservation snap me out of this inertia, or am I beyond that now?

OVER THE LINE OF NO RETURN

over the line of no return, tomorrow drifted into the past three hours ago and, of course I mean yesterday, yes, it's tomorrow now, there is ringing in my ears and the light is too bright, as I meant to say, yesterday is three hours ago and I can never get it back and rescue my failure to write thus then, please, whip me and make me feel ashamed of this failure, but don't whip me again for those other days I missed, no need to go overboard

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

UNDERNEATH EVERYTHING ELSE

Underneath everything else, underneath my hair and skull and brains and neck and oesophagus and ribcage and intestines and knees and feet and shoes and the carpet and the concrete and the dirt and the dinosaur blood and the molten lava and the chinamen and the blank space and the stars and the planets and the black holes and the other universes, there is a steady beating pulse that I can feel always.

Monday, March 9, 2015

TRAIPSING THROUGH THE FOREST

Traipsing through the forest, I savoured the dew that lay so wet and moist and cool on the grass and the twigs and the leaves. I touched it gingerly with my fingers. My god it felt good. I started to lick one of the twigs, but suddenly I got the feeling I was being watched. I was filled with shame and ran deeper into the woods, crying and slapping myself in the face as I went. The woods become darker and soon I could barely see. If I meet a bear, I thought, this is going to be it. The greatest combat of my life. And I will lose and be torn apart, screaming.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

I ATE SEVEN POUNDS OF RAW RICE

I ate seven pounds of raw rice. It swelled up inside me and I popped into the shape of a cube. People painted me different colours and started playing with me like a rubix cube. They twisted me this way and that until all my bones were broken and ground into dust. When finally someone had solved the puzzle, they let me go and I flopped into a sickening boneless blob. Why did I eat that rice?

Friday, March 6, 2015

TWINKLING BLUE LIGHTS LED ME DOWN INTO THE OCEAN

Twinkling blue lights led me down into the ocean. It was dusk and I felt as if walking into the ocean with all my clothes on was the right thing to do. I followed the lights for three hectares until I found myself at a shimmering doorway. It was a green door. I walked in and found myself in a cave full of gold doubloons. I took off my wet clothes and rolled around naked in the doubloons, tossing them into the air in delight, feeling their cool metal plummet back down and strike my skin. Oh goodness gracious, I don't ever want to take these coins and spend them, just to mush my body into them for the rest of time.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

I WOULD TRAVEL UNDERNEATH VERY LOW BRIDGES

I would travel underneath very low bridges that require me to master the limbo arts, over great mountains that required me to change my name to something like Adolf Van Heusen and eat innumerable power-sauce bars to get over, around great fat men so wide that by the time I got to the edge of them their trousers and skivvies were completely out of fashion, and through the middle of a great whale who had been eating all sorts of funky krill that would slop all over my face, just to find me a home in your heart,

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

AS I SAT MEDITATING

As I sat meditating, my mind collapsed in on in itself with an unearthly squishing sound. My body was now a brainless husk sitting in the lotus position. The eyes rolled back in my head but my body stayed stiff. Saliva dribbled out the corner of my mouth. In time crows would come along and pick out my eyes and some of the juicier bits of my flesh. Perhaps some bats would have at it too. I should hope that friends wouldn't shoo them off in some sense of loyalty to my earthly body. I didn't need it now. My mind was happily bobbing along through the cosmos.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

A BADGER STARES INTO A CARS HEADLIGHTS

A badger stares into  a cars headlights. He determines to see if by sheer forCE of will, he can make a powerful field of energy around himself that will repel it, sending the car flying end over end, the humans jostling about inside like poorly packed mail. He closes his eyes and feels green shimmering circles ebbing out of his body. He is the master of the universe. He feels himself floating upward. He opens his eyes and realizes that he has already been squashed by the car and is now a phantasm floating upwards toward his meeting with the badger council of spirit elders. Oh well.

Monday, March 2, 2015

BOUND AT THE WRISTS AND FEET

Bound at the wrists and feet, I prepared to meet my fate in the meat grinder. As I trundled slowly along on the moving platform thing that I can't remember the name of, but it's like a belt wheel thing like what those machine trucks have that run over the skulls in the future bit of The Terminator, you know what I mean? And they throw a future grenade under it and blow the fucker up. It's some kind of moving belt thing. Anyway, so as I rolled along towards my doom, I figured as long as I'm gonna die, I might as well make a nice s&m thing out of it. So I pulled against the ropes and revelled in the feeling of them cutting against my wrists and ankles, and I shuddered in anticipation of the sweet searing blades of the meat grinder chopping me into little pieces. But just before I got there, Superman swooped in and saved me. "Way to go, Superman", I said, "you fucking cock blocker."

Sunday, March 1, 2015

SHE LAY ON THE BED

She lay on the bed, her head lolling over the edge. the alcohol had gone to her head, making it heavy. Then it fell off. It cracked through the floorboards and then plummeted all the way through the centre of the earth. It passed through the molten core without melting, pushed through to the other side of the earth and popped right out and into space. As her head floated through the cosmos, she saw many wondrous things, but still she missed her body so.

Friday, February 27, 2015

TERPSICHOREAN DELIGHTS OF THE MOST LANGUID KIND

Terpsichorean delights of the most languid kind swished all around us, the vibrations in the air prodding our bodies gently in a sensual rocking motion. Through the smoke I could see the occasional arm, shoulder, elbow, buttock or ankle gyrating listlessly. Oh what a feeling it was. I supped heartily from my flask and continued letting the bass voiced dead man tell me what to do and how to do it, and how if there was something I needed, he would be my handy man.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

GIGGLING AND STUMBLING

Giggling and stumbling, coloured lights flashing all around her periphery, she decided it would be best if she climbed a tree right now. She wrapped her arms around a branch and hoisted herself up against it's trunk, The smell was so rich and fresh and alive. She just stood there for what seemed like hours, her breasts pressed against the solid mass of wood, her hair brushing against the leaves, her nose inflamed with sensation. We looked up at her from the ground, a little worried she might fall, but mostly pleased she was having such a glorious, sensuous time. The water in the creek burbled away.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

ANOTHER DAY LOST

Another day lost. Another day of laying on the porch in the sun, it's rays penetrating deep into me and warming my heart and my lungs and my small intestine and my colon until until they glow with a nice yellow red halo. Another day of reading wonderful words that tantalize my mind. Another day of grapes being dangled into my mouth by invisible ghost ladies who smell phantasmicly fantastic. Run along, day, be free, be lost , be happy.

Monday, February 23, 2015

MY MOUTH WAS FULL OF BUTTER

My mouth was full of butter. It felt so good that I kept on funnelling butter into my mouth until it filled me up and all my organs got pushed out through my pores and now I am just one big old walkin', talkin', jigglin', singing', dancin', lovin', tub o' butter. If you squeeze me some butter comes out my pores like a Ryvita biscuit too. Everybody loves the big ol' wobbly butter man. Come on over and get a buttery kiss, now.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

BUTTOCKS AS BIG AS MOUNTAINS

Buttocks as big as mountains. Perfectly formed, splendid things. The villagers made a pilgrimage there every year before the harvest, climbing to the top of the buttocks and kneading them all together. Nobody knew if they were connected to a giant person or something else underneath the ground, and nobody dared go on an underground excavation mission. Some things you just didn't mess with. But they were alive, that was for certain. They reacted to touch and to heat and to cold, breaking out into great basketball sized goosey pimples when the sun went down and the winter chill set in.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

A LITTLE BIT OF RAIN

A little bit of rain, at just the right time, is just enough to send all those good feelings rushing to my head. It blows up like a purple balloon and I go floating off into the sky. I see the city lights below, I see whales eating sharks, I see giant oil tankers spearing the whales, I see alien space ships flying down and zapping the oil tankers, then I decide to get in on the action and I float down and grab the space ship and shake it all around like it's a can of sardines. I can hear the aliens bouncing around all over the walls and feel a little bit of rain on my face. I smile with a horrible grimace.

Friday, February 20, 2015

I SAT DOWN AT THE PIANO AND ATTEMPTED TO PLAY

I sat down at the piano and attempted to play, but being completely untrained, unpractised and unco-ordinated, the sounds coming out were not especially harmonious. The piano whispered to me, "gimme a little drink, and I'll play myself". Then it winked with it's keys. So I opened up the lid, got a bottle of whisky from the cabinet and poured a good splash over the piano wires and hammers. "Oh yes, that's the stuff", said the piano, seeming to leer somehow via it's keys. "I haven't had a stiff drink in so long". It started to play some rollicking barrel-house piano, tipping back and forth in a rather dangerous manner as it did so. I was a little scared I may be crushed, but the music (and the booze, which I also had a swallow of) was so intoxicating I couldn't help but abandon my self to dance and flicking my hair around in the manner of Cab Calloway. After ten minutes or so the piano slowed down and came to a stop. "Now, Boy," said the piano, "make me a martini and I'll play some smooth cocktail jazz for your dinner date tonight."

Thursday, February 19, 2015

DRIFTING OVER THE TOPS OF HOUSES

Drifting over the tops of houses, down into gardens where pollen floats along and ants crawl around getting busy busy, up through the clothesline, I take some loop de loops through it and continue on my way in through the window of a passing car, the fellow is listening to oldies radio and eating an iced cream while he drives. The floor is littered with greasy towels and wine boxes. the goon bags inside the wine boxes all inflate together and the car levitates. The fellow is happy he no longer needs to steer and can concentrate on his iced cream. He puts his arm out the window and looks at the clouds going by. I will stay here a little while.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

THE HORNS

The horns of the pedestrian jazz funk band, tired of the daily embarrassment at being part of such an insipid spectacle, turned on their players and devoured them. Oh, what a sight it was to see the steel stretch, as if suddenly molten, to chomp away at these fellows. Soon there was nothing left but their funny little hats. The horns, now crazed with bloodlust, headed for the sculpture department.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

TRUDY AND JUDY LOOKED UP AT THE STARS

Trudy and Judy looked up at the stars. "Do you think we'll ever get up there?" said Judy. "Someday", said Trudy. "Once they invent space helmets that will fit over our gargantuan heads. And then we can leave this place and never be teased about the size of our heads again." They looked at each other and locked fingers. The wind was warm. "I sure hope that day comes soon, Trudy", said Judy. "But I kinda feel like we're all alone on a star right now. It sure is peaceful out here." Trudy smiled and said, "Yeah". A coyote bayed. Cactus' everywhere held their spines at attention.

Monday, February 16, 2015

WHEN A WOMAN LEAVES YOUR HOUSE AND THEN TURNS AROUND AND COMES BACK

When a woman leaves your house and then turns around and comes back, every little molecule in your body  starts vibrating a bit faster. You smile just a little in the corner of your mouth, but you smile quite a lot with your pores and all your hairs, and when you walk into the kitchen, you are floating a tiny imperceptible yet perceptible proportion off of the ground. An ant is still unable to pass underneath your feet, but some kind of microscopic bug from Trinidad that is particularly skilled in the limbo arts may be be able to pass completely under you.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

THE DIRT FELT GRITTY ON MY TONGUE

The dirt felt gritty on my tongue. It tasted... well it tasted like dirt. I coughed some up, but Juan scolded me and kicked me in the ribs. "Who said you could let dirt out of your mouth? Cram it back in!" I scooped up the dirt and went to shove it back into my mouth, but suddenly realized I had control over the universe. I made the dirt vanish altogether, then I turned Juan into a frosty chocolate milkshake. I made a stool appear so I could stand on it and reach the straw of this man size milkshake. I drank deeply. The sweet milk of Juan running over my tongue and down my throat was such a sweet relief from that horrid gritty dirt.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

LONG STRANDS OF GELATINOUS FLUID

Long strands of gelatinous fluid link my love and I always. It feels good to know we are connected but it can be problematic for others. The fluid is very sticky. Little dogs get trapped in it, and as their owners attempt to extract them, they too become stuck and panicky. The only option is to execute them. The police understand this, and brook us no contretemps. But the corpses are no easier to extract than live bodies, and so we are constantly connected to many corpses, as well as each other. This thought dulls the romance slightly.

Friday, February 13, 2015

UNDERNEATH THE TREE BY MY HOUSE THERE IS A GIANT DIAMOND

Underneath the tree by my house there is a giant diamond. Many years ago, in another lifetime, it was used as part of a laser contraption that was going to cut James Bond in half. Bond, using his British ingenuity, managed to escape being lasered on this instance, but all the same, it was attempted murder, and the diamond has never gotten over the shame it feels in colluding against such a venerable drunken folk hero. It buried itself under the tree so it would never have to face society again. Someday soon I will dig the diamond up and hold it in my arms and tell it that nobody is going to hold that incident against it, that it shouldn't hide it's shininess away from the world. Sunlight should be glinting through it and prisming and all that shit. I will  coo these sweet consolations into it. And then I will sell it and buy a speed boat.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

HER FINGERNAILS AND HER SHOULDERS AND HER EYEBROWS

her fingernails and her shoulders and her eyebrows and her eyes and the way she stretches and the way she smiles and the way she stares out the window. I will wrap them up in tissue paper and put them in my purse, and when i am in the park laying on a rug looking up at the trees, I will take them out and look at them and finger their jagged grain.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

STEEL DRUMS PLING ALL THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE

Steel drums pling all through the atmosphere. I am wearing a straw hat and strolling languidly down a dusty road. My head is full of rum and coconut juice. A toucan lands on my shoulder and starts to tell me about a special kind of breakfast cereal. I shoo him off with a flick of my hands. I have no time for advertising now, I've got to try and find this steel drum band. Perhaps Wilmouth Houdini will be singing with them, or at least maybe they will know where I can find him. He has made a proclamation that I, Frank Sinatra, have the perfect voice to sing calypso, and I intend to smack him in the mouth. Nobody tells Frank what he has the perfect voice for. Frank tells you.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

EGGS SPLATTERING ON THE SIDEWALK

Eggs splattering on the sidewalk, the gooey remains crawl up the pant leg of a passing businessman, tickling his follicles and nestles in his underwear. he likes it very much, which he shows with a slight upturn in the left corner of his moth. The egg attempts to crawl inside him but his cast iron butt plug has him sealed tight. The egg becomes frustrated and starts to brood. In the middle of his meeting, the egg slithers it's way back down his leg, crawls across the room and leaps onto the face of the Japanese CEO with whom our businessman is about to close his deal. "SEE!", think/says the egg. "SEE WHAT YOU GET FOR THWARTING MY NEEDS?"

Monday, February 9, 2015

MEAT SLUICES THROUGH A FINE GRATE

Meat sluices through a fine grate and lands in a pool of jasmine oil, becomes fragrant meat, the kind of meat that that tickles the senses so. The kind of meat you want to take to dinner. Meat gets done up in it's sharpest outfit, puts on a hat and some earrings and a moustache and some pearls and a handkerchief in it's pocket (meat is not sure of it's sex and figures it might as well accesorize up both ways), links arms with you and heads out to a fashionable nightspot named Chez Soiree Les Pumplemousse. You and meat eat some other meat and give each other those certain kinds of eyes (meat pins some olives to self to give the impression of eyes).

Sunday, February 8, 2015

I WENT SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN

I went swimming in the ocean. I swam right down to the bottom of the ocean and sat on the floor. There was such a nice sense of solitude, and all those pretty million year old fish with the bulbous lights dangling off their heads gave the place a dreamy atmosphere. It occurred to me that I should have been killed by the pressure and the bends and all that business, but thankfully I've never really looked into that whole affair, so it didn't apply. I pulled an apple from my jodhpurs and ate it slowly, carving off one piece at a time with a pocket knife I had in the band of my hat. What a pleasant spot this was.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

STRUCK BY THIS TERRIBLE TEENAGE CONDITION

Struck by this terrible teenage condition, her bones boiled, her head pulsed, her guts constricted and pushed up against her lungs. She broke out in sweats till the whole room was soaked. Suddenly, her entire body cracked in half, and a throbbing green entity stepped out, slimy and cool. It shuddered for a minute and then shot upwards, tearing through the roof and into the stratosphere. It passed the moon and the sun and shot through a black hole and found itself in a place my dull human brain could not begin to fathom. This was a nice place to rest for a while. The teenage creature suspended herself in space and exhaled deeply.

Friday, February 6, 2015

CHEEPING BIRDS

Cheeping birds seem to be saying sweet, innocuous things, "isn't the sunshine sunshiney today?" and "Hello mister squirrel! Hello mister neighbourhood cat!" But what if they are in fact intoning a mantra that is designed to bring a dark spirit up from the earth. Soon, on the sunniest day of all, the ground will crack and quake, great gusts of hot steam will shoot up, burning the faces of passers by and a great horned beast will emerge. The sunshine will be replaced with darkness and lightning will criss cross the skies. That would look pretty cool.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

SNAKES SIZZLE ON THE FRYPAN

Snakes sizzle on the frypan. They hiss at each other trying to formulate a plan on how to get out, but their hissings get all mixed up with the sizzling. It is quite a conundrum. All of a sudden the cook slips over, pranging the fraypan handle with his arm and sending the snakes, these very oily snakes, flying out of the kitchen and onto the stage. The jazz musicians, wrapped up in the deep concentration needed to perform their art, do not see the snakes coming and are horribly burned as these snakes covered in boiling oil slap against their faces. The musicians scream and run off stage, abandoning their instruments. The snakes, not wanting to see a riot occur, attempt to play some jazz despite the obvious limitations of their legless, armless stature. They don't sound half bad.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

THE TELEPHONE RINGS

The telephone rings. It is the same ring as every other time, but today, this morning, right now, it feels ominous. I feel if I pick up it up, I will engage in something that cannot be wound back, something that will rush forward into an ever faster and darker place until all light is shut out. So I smash the phone with a chair. Then I set the house on fire. Then I lay dynamite around the edges of the entire block, get myself within a sufficient radius of awayness, and push the the squeezy push down, sending my entire block cascading downwards into the centre of the earth. That should do it.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

COULD DOOMSDAY COME

Could doomsday come on such a sunny day, when the wind caressed the trees so softly, when the birds sang so timid and sweet, when pianos tinkled out of the house so sensitively? Could the bomb or the acid rain truly fall at such a moment, or would it by paralysed by the beauty of the world, forced to hover in mid-air and slowly retreat like a man who has seen his sweet virginal betrothed turned into a lusty, night-walking creature of the undead? I certainly hope it can wait a little longer anyway. Go have a smoke, doomsday. Go have a smoke and read a magazine.

Monday, February 2, 2015

SUGAR PIE, HONEY BUNCH

"Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch, you know that i love you". A sweet sentiment of course, but it does beg the question, how does one bunch honey? Every time I hear this song, I pour jars and jars of honey into a trough, then reach in and try to bunch it together into something approximating a bouquet. but all I get honey all over my hands, and dripping back down into the trough and all over my pants. Then of course the horses butt me out of the way and stick their heads in there, only to be stuck face first in honey. They get very confused and flail madly and the farmer gets right cross with me and chases me out of the place with a stick. Yet every time i hear this cursed song I am willed by powerful forces to attempt it again.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

RICH GRAVY FLOODED THE CITY STREETS

Rich gravy flooded the city streets, enveloping cars, drowning elderly children and young animals, covering everything below the second floor in a delicious salty goop. As the flood subsided and people came out from their hiding places, a kind of gravy hungry madness took over the entire population. People started hungrily biting into anything covered in gravy. Lamp posts, buildings, corpses, taco stands, tacos, everything was fair game. The sound of teeth chipping rang out all over the city in a horrifying cacophony. God really was a cunt.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

TARANTULAS CRAWLED ALL OVER MY FACE

Tarantulas crawled all over my face. And I liked it. Their little hairy legs seemed to push right into my pores, pressing nicely into the grooves and swizzling around in the oil. For so many years I had been deathly afraid of spiders,. What a fool I had been. Now that I knew they were the ultimate inner pore masseurs, I made it my business to have them crawling all over my body at all times. I no longer needed clothing, since I was now covered head to toe in tarantulas, twenty fours a day. I'm not sure what the tarantulas were getting out of this, some sick sexual pleasure no doubt.

Friday, January 30, 2015

A GOAT CLAMBERS

A goat clambers along the rocky outcrop that it calls home. Well naturally the goat doesn't actually call it home, goats don't speak English and don't really think that way. Goats speak Spanish and like to think wherever they lay their hat is their home. Unfortunately most goats eat their hats as soon as they get them and then have nowhere to call home. But perhaps that's just the way they like it. After clambering for a while, the goat  became tired of living out this goaty cliche and levitated the rest of the way to the disco, green lasers shooting out of his eyes and cutting down trees all the way.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

EVERY MORNING I SEE THE WIND

Every morning I see the wind. I see it wrap itself around the leaves and dance with them. And every morning I think perhaps I will write about the wind, but I can't write about the wind every day. It makes me think of young lovers on the park bench like in that old Nolan Strong number. It makes me think of wicked winds a coming and evil carnivals coming with them. But mostly it makes me think of a certain woman and pictures of her riding a tram on a certain day and the way I felt watching the wind that day. Duke Ellington was drifting out loud and clear from the house and the sun was shining and I could feel a phantasmic current connecting us across the city and I felt buoyant and serene and on a plateau of pleasure and contentment that is rare indeed.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

MINNIE THE MOOCHER

As Minnie The Moocher kicked the gong around Chinatown, carefree as a lark, the locals were plotting her demise. Day and night they were tormented by the sound of its clanging. They constantly worried that their children would be injured as she sent it flying down the alleyways, knocking over trash cans and scaring cats. How they cursed the day that man taught her how to kick the gong around. They plotted perhaps that they could poison her food, but she never stopped to eat. All she did was walk the streets, surreptitiously sniffing cocaine from inside her shirtsleeve, and kick that gong ever further.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

SHE LET HER HEAD LOL

She let her head lol on the edge of the martini glass. The gin and vermouth felt cool on her skin, and just the fumes from the alcohol were intoxicating. She had climbed the ladder and stepped in gingerly, not sure if she would have some adverse reaction to soaking in hard liquor. She had been doing it most of her life in a manner of speaking, but this was quite a next step. She giggled and splashed the liquor with her toes, batting the olive around like a cat with a ball of yarn. Breathing a great sigh of pleasure, she turned over and arched her back, pressing her breasts against the glass. This day was turning out wonderfully.

Monday, January 26, 2015

GREEN LUMPS OF KRYPTONITE

Glowing lumps of Kryponite. The green light radiated on Superman's face. He knew it meant weakness and sickness and certain death to pick them up, but flying and lifting tall buildings and helping people had become such a drag. He needed new thrills, and that could only come with danger. With the possibility that he might end up on the losing end of a confrontation. He blinked hard, swallowed, and made a high whimpering wheezing sound. Then he picked up the lumps of Kryptonite and stuffed them into his underwear. Feeling woozy immediately, he staggered onto the street and started shouting obscenities at the first man he saw, a rather burly bearded fellow who looked as if he probably drove a truck and ate several steaks at a sitting and didn't take kindly to speculation about what his wife and mother did together when he was on the road. As the man laid his fists and boots into Superman, he tried wanly to resist and felt a great tremble shoot up his spine at the uselessness of his efforts.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

I AWOKE AS A NUB OF POLLEN

I awoke as a nub of pollen, drifting on the wind. It felt good. I hadn't had too many cares beforehand, but now I was just cruising wherever the day should take me, cool wind buffeting me around, supporting me like a great invisible pillow. I began to think about my new life as pollen, and wonder how much I really knew about my kind. I was pretty sure we had some role in the sex life of bees, and possibly we were like heroin for some species of bird, but this was all hazy hearsay from my school days when I stared out the windows and imagined many things, but never that this pollen talk would someday be so relevant to me. I certainly hoped I was right about the bee sex thing. As a human I had always greatly enjoyed sex, and if I couldn't somehow be involved in bee or bird sex, I didn't see much hope of me having any in this new pollen nub life.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

I DRANK A WHOLE BOTTLE OF TURPENTINE

I drank a bottle of turpentine and started to convulse. I was so drunk I started to hallucinate, and as my body twitched in strange rhythmic pulse, I could see crowds start to form around me and gasp in awe. My hat fell off and people stated throwing coins into it, then subsequently larger notes, and even entertainment managers began throwing their business cards in and telling me I had "it". Before I knew it I had been whisked away to a television studio and was jerking and twitching for a worldwide audience, who hooted and brayed in admiration of my avant garde movements. I was, in a way, on top of the world. But I could never be sure if it was really happening or just a hallucination from drinking that whole bottle of turpentine.

Friday, January 23, 2015

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS MADE OF SILK

The whole world was made of silk. White silk. People and trees and dogs and cars and the ground and the sky and the lights and the bikes. All slippery smooth silk rubbing pleasantly up against each other. All day long forever, everything would be constantly rubbing up against something else and saying, "ooooooh, that feels goooooooooooood." Then one day the ground began to split open and a huge split was rent in the world. Everybody and everything tumbled down into a place that was nought but craggy masses of denim. "Oh silken lord!" they wailed, gnashing theirs silken teeth together. "What have we done to forsake ye?"

Thursday, January 22, 2015

SUNSET POURED THROUGH THE WINDOWS

Sunset poured through the windows and slowly covered their bodies like warm mercury. It rolled easily down along shoulder blades, into the small of her back, built up a gentle head of steam and ran up over her buttocks down her legs. It pooled for a second behind her knee, pausing to appreciate the warmth and the coziness of the folds of skin, then rolled on down to her ankle and covered her feet. It spread silently all over the bed like warm liquid honey. The little dog took it all in silently.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

A SQUASHED CAT PEELED ITSELF OFF THE HIGHWAY

A squashed cat peeled itself off the highway and slowly made it's way into the bushes, tottering on it's hind legs. As it wandered through the forest, squirrels, chipmunks, raccoons, and other animals stared agog at this two dimensional creature walking among them. As she approached the cat looked solid enough. but when she walked past and they saw how truly flat she was, they had to blink and wonder if last nights acorns had somehow fermented into a psychedelic fungus. On and on she stumbled through the woods, bit by bit getting the hang of this squished hind-legged walking until soon she was strolling with a confident gate and a trilby hat cocked rakishly on her head.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

BRACKISH WATER BURBLED UP

Brackish water burbled up from the great crack in the pavement i'd just made with my implement. It smelled foul and seemed to be getting thicker by the second. I was sure that i'd just unleashed the most evil substance, heretofore locked in earth's core, and doomed humanity in an instant. I thought it would be Exxon or somebody who would do that, not me. It got blacker and goopier and my eyes got so wide I thought my head could not contain them. But the goop started to form into legs, and then a torso, and suddenly I saw the most beautiful woman imaginable rendered in molten, stinking goop. Her black eyes were of such utter blackness I was hypnotised. I dropped my implement.

Monday, January 19, 2015

ORGANS IN JARS

Organs in jars packed tightly into a warehouse the size of Texas. Discreetly they are brought in and occasionally brought out. Black cars with tinted windows enter the underground car park and exit hours later. Even with a detailed cataloguing system, it takes some time to find the exact organ that the masters require. And it must be exact. It is said that certain mercenary forces have plotted to rob the warehouse, or simply fire bomb it in an act of malicious torment toward their enemies. But this is just idle dreaming. The security, the lasers, the dogs bred from birth for one purpose, they are but a tiny portion of the security that keeps this place sacrosanct. It is the will of the masters, the feeling force they emanate, the need they have to keep the precious organs available at all times, that makes it so.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

DRUMS CRASH LIKE THUNDER OVERHEAD

Drums crash like thunder overhead, they slow down and speed up, lightning shoots from my little toe all up into the back of my neck and i feel warm and woozy. When it stops, I will have nothing, I will be an empty shell dribbling and shaking, so please fellows, keep pushing and reaching and thinking and taking these sounds all around the corners and up the stairs and through the vents and down into the sewer and out into the ocean and back onto the land, feeling their way into life in the air and in the trees and out into space to stare down and see everything very small and glommed together and pulsing.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

AT THE END OF MY STREET

At the end of my street there is man with a wooden leg. I don't know what he is planning but he has a very sinister look about him and he has been standing there for some hours, just glaring inscrutably and spitting out hunks of chewing tobacco every now and again. I go out onto the street periodically and stare back at him. He never moves. I am in the kitchen, fixing some eggs, just trying to listen to the radio and relax, but I can feel him out there. It's got to stop. Somebody's got to get that fucker off the street. I guess I could go talk to him, but that's not my style. I feel like things are going to go from one to a hundred very quickly with this situation. Jesus it's hot.

Friday, January 16, 2015

WITH CAVALIER ABANDON

With cavalier abandon, she explained to the policeman that her car was unregistered, that she had no license, that she had been gunrunning quite recently and thoroughly, that she was an inveterate criminal, that she was never going to change, that she was a just a rebel with a rage for living (lots of things she does aren't allowed), that she had no home address, no passport and had in fact never been born. "Well", said the policeman, "it's not looking good."

Thursday, January 15, 2015

BRANDISHING A SHORT SWORD

Brandishing a short sword, the extremely well endowed pirate forced his way into the rotisserie chicken restaurant. "No man, woman, or beast will keep me from this rotisserie chicken". But as he crossed the threshold, mister "I'm so well endowed and have a sword and an eye patch" found himself falling into a pit of the most pure blackness. It seems he'd fallen prey to the old giant endless hole disguised as a rotisserie chicken restaurant ruse he'd managed to avoid so many times before. He cursed himself, but as the endless fall wound on, he began to appreciate the time he now had to think. Stabbing and pillaging and cavorting had taken up so much of his time, he'd barely stopped to sit and consider the point of it all.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

THE WORD SPREAD

The word spread all through town that there was good rocking tonight. In every parlour, doghouse and outhouse, the whispers grew louder until at 11:57, the barn was shaking till it seemed it might fall apart. And then it fell apart. Wooden beams splinted and crushed poor old women's legs. Giant nails broke free and sailed straight through the gooey eye meat and right into the brain of humble farm hands. People ran screaming and bleeding into the woods, where they were set upon by wolves who could smell the blood and fear.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

SALTY WET BROWN SKIN

Salty, wet, brown skin. The sand is caked on her shoulder and baked in by the sun. She turns and smiles with her lips and her mouth and her eyes and her nose, and then dives into the waves. The sand is lifted off her and swirls in the ocean, it drifts past the fish and the molluscs and joins up with it's buddies at the bottom, lying in wait until she emerges and pushes her feet deep into it's mass. The grains of sand are all one, and they all groan in delight in unison as her toes wiggle all around them.

Monday, January 12, 2015

GARBAGE ISLAND

Garbage Island is a wonderful place. One can frolic through the mountains of garbage and find anything you might need. Why, an empty milk carton could become your new house, or a hat, or a Barbie Dreamhouse, or Barbie's oversized hat. There's no shortage of accoutrements for Ken to play with, his friends ratty rat and cockroach mike are always scurrying around playing hide and seek. A little girl can spin around with her arms outstretched in joy for hours, and if she should get dizzy and fall down, the ever so soft garbage will break her fall. Such a wondrous, fetid place.


Sunday, January 11, 2015

INSIDE THE THROBBING HEAD

Inside the throbbing head, machinery worked overtime, gears rotating and shafts cranking and everything bathed in sweat and firelight, as if it was some Dickensian workhouse factory in the middle of Marrakesh in a basement boiler room. Where would relief come from? When would it end? Before these things could be contemplated to their ghastly conclusion, a gust of the coolest most Arctic air blew through the place. It froze the gears in their tracks, it extinguished the fire, and suddenly all was still and peaceful and cool.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

THE WIND BLEW SO HARD

The wind blew so hard that it knocked down trees. The trees knocked down telephone poles. The telephone poles knocked down adults. The adults knocked down children. The children knocked down dogs. The dogs knocked down cats. The cats knocked down rats. The rats knocked down gnats. The gnats knocked down beetles. The beetles knocked down ladybugs. Then the ladybugs said, "Hey, rack off", and pushed the beetles off them; which reverse dominoed everything else until the trees pushed the wind back and told the wind to rack off. The wind was suitably chastened.

Friday, January 9, 2015

THE WONDROUS SMELL OF A CENTIPEDE

The wondrous smell of a centipede drifted up from the garden into the little boy's nose, like that of a pie cooling on a window sill. The boy knew he must have this centipede in his fangs immediately, or the pent up need would cause him to murder his whole family and be dubbed "The Damien of Sherrybrook". But it wasn't true, he was no demon seed, just a plump young thing filled with desire, and he would not let his desires cause his family harm. Only the centipede. He vaulted over the windowsill and scurried face first into the garden, snout wiggling and snorting, fire in his eyes, his whole body twisting. To catch the centipede, he would become the centipede.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

IF YOU DO THE HULLY GULLY

If you do the hully gully in the pale moonlight, right on the edge of the equator, it is that said that the earth will open up and dancing fire sprites will dance around you with twinkling mischief in their eyes. They will be setting everything you own alight, but you will be so enraptured by the flickering flames and the feeling of wonder that you too will dance without a care in the world, doing the hully gully, the swim, the pachanga, the mambo, the mess around, the swim, the nino nino, and all manner of outlandish steps made up on the spot, hopping about madly as your feet recoil from the hot coals upon which you dance. You will have the time of your life.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

SOLDER DRIPPED ALL OVER ME

Solder dripped all over me and suddenly i had become Solder Man! But it dried very quickly and I was stuck, now I have to have a team of assistants with soldering irons around me at all times to keep the solder molten and then let it cool for a second and then get it molten so that i can still be covered in solder and still move. needless to say, this does not make me a very effective superhero. When an arch villain is stealing a giant building, I can possibly drip a bit of solder onto him but I really can't move very fast. Perhaps I should abandon this whole crime fighting idea and just focus on how I am going to eat and breathe while covered in solder.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

MARIAH

Mariah walked through the Moroccan suite of her elegant New York City apartment, and thought to herself, "Should I really have named my child after this suite? Maybe I should have named him Jungle Room, after the Jungle room. Didn't Elvis call one of his kids jungle room? No, that was priscilla". All of a sudden Priscilla Presley burst into the room. "Bitch, I've had enough of you talking about I could be possibly named" and flung herself at Mariah with great fury. Thankfully, Frank Drebin from police squad was there to break it up. god that was the stupidest thing I have wrote for this project yet.