Tuesday, March 21, 2017

THERE IS A DISCO

There is a disco in the center of the earth where the mirror ball is made from screaming people and the dancers are made of mirrors and their reflections bounce off of one another and create a perfect beam of light that hits the DJ in the chest and gives her the power to select the perfect song for right this minute, and when it hits all the mirror dancers are filled with ecstatic tension, and at the start of the 5th bar all the mirrors shatter and chunks fly upward and become lodged in the cheeks of the screaming people ball.

Monday, March 20, 2017

RAINY DAYS

Rainy days cause everything to get all wilting like waterlogged cardboard boxes. My house becomes soggy and a passing bird tears the roof off. I walk out and I am also a soggy cardboard box. I flop down the street getting covered in smut until one of my legs tears off in the wind and floats down a sewerage drain. I plod on, dragging myself along the sidewalk, hoping soon the sun will come out and make me crispy and virile once again.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

MY BONES ARE SO BRITTLE THAT THEY HAVE ALL BROKEN

My bones are so brittle that they have all broken and now I am a sack of skin with a bunch of broken bones down the bottom of it. I have had to hire a lady to drive me around in a golf cart with the top of my skin sack pinned to the front and the full bony bottom of the sack flapping about in the breeze. She takes me to all my important business meetings and I am still able to blink so I communicate via Morse code with a series of blinks and sometimes I suspect that my business associates do not really know Morse code and are just nodding their heads and pretending they know what I am talking about. Oh how I wish I could slam my fist down on the desk and say "DON'T YOU HUMOUR ME!", but my arm and hand and jawbones are all broken into tiny pieces and mingling in the bottom of my sack.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

A SUMPTUOUS FEAST WAS LAID OUT IN ANTICIPATION OF THE ROYAL GREYHOUNDS' ARRIVAL

A sumptuous feast was laid out in anticipation of the royal greyhounds' arrival. Mounds of pork chops, steaks, wheels of brie, all the things doggies like to eat. The yoyal greyhounds, covered head to tail in gorgeous mink robes, bejeweled crowns on their heads, were placed atop the table and given free reign to gorge themselves, but of course they were sophisticated royal doggies and ate in a prim, dainty fashion, tromping slowly along the table, taking a little nibble of some pork fat and taking a little nick off the edge of the brie wheel. Occasionally the Queen would prod some foodstuffs with her paw, smell the paw, turn her nose up and saunter off. Oh, how the crowd loved that one.

Monday, March 13, 2017

SHE MADE MY BLOOD RUN COLD

She made my blood run cold until my veins were full of icicles. Then she put me in a giant cocktail shaker, filled it with gin and pomegranate juice and mint and various other liqueurs and lifted it high above her head. As she shook me and the booze all around, I could hear her roaring. The way it sounded coming through the aluminum shaker gave me an extra chill, which made the icicles in my veins even colder. Damn she was good.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

I DROVE RIGHT THROUGH THE SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN

I drove right through the side of a mountain. The cliff face gave way to my car as if it was butter, sliding to the side and letting me burrow straight through. I drove in blackness for 10,000 minutes and then emerged in another part of the country. It was tropical here, and soon my car was covered in toucans and bananas. I got out and stretched my legs, then I sat on the hood of the car and shared a banana with a toucan. The toucan din't say anything and neither did I, but I could tell we had a thing going on.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

I LOLLED AROUND IN A MOUNTAIN OF USED COFFEE GROUNDS

I lolled around in a mountain of used coffee grounds, luxuriating in the feeling of them pressing into my skin, each one of the millions of little grounds making friends with one of my pores and nuzzling right in there. I grabbed a great handful and rubbed it into my legs. Oh, what a feeling to be naked on a mountain of coffee grounds. I stared up at the sun and the mountains and felt the cool breeze on my bottom. Some vultures were circling around, and I shouted at them, "Buzz off, you buzzards, I'm not dead. I'VE NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE!"